A Modest Proposal for a State Name Change

It's been suggested from time to time that the state of North Dakota be simply known as 'Dakota.' This would produce an instant rise in average temperature of twelve degrees. The state would save some as-yet-undermined amount of money through reduced printing costs, and tourism will flourish as International travelers come to this new destination.

Hipness will suddenly reign. No longer will Jared Fogle making an appearance be what the national media reports as N. D. news. No, No Dice any more . The Grand Forks branch of Victoria's Secret will not primarily stock lurid red violet long johns, small towns will not be beset with maurading turkeys, and 'Fever' will not be required daily fare on the radio right after the swine report.

Look for the Bismarck fashion scene to be reported on Style. And the Minot Film Festival attracting all the beautiful people from as far away as Paris or Tokyo. And the neat little bistros on the main drag! Yes, good peeps, we will have it all. What's in a name? A bunch, you betcha!

What about South Dakota? Well, they seem to be happy in their southness since 1889: they can retain their own name. Or, they might want to throw their lot with their newly emergent progressive neighbors to the north! Let's stretch out a neighborly hand to aid them. Besides, we need a Riviera for the Dakotatrash to hang out, gamble, and wear skimpy Lutheran bikini swim suits!

On the other hand, we have the sterling example of the PRNK. North Korea, under the leadership of Dear Leader Kim Il-Jong, often styles itself "Best Korea.'

Now that's an alternative idea. Best Dakota. I like it.

Professor Renfroe, Guerilla Botanist

One of the more eccentric professors at a North Dakotan state university was known for two things: his almost reflexive championing of radical causes, and his penchant for seeking out the exotic in horticulture. With regard to radical causes, he was a card-carrying member of Citizens for Fair Play to Quebec, the Antinudist Foundation, the Know Damn Little Party, Marxists for Christ, the Anti-Designated Hitter Rule Society, the Prairie Dog Antidiscrimination League, and others. And his forays into botany were well-known. He singlehandedly developed the cold-weather resistant form of kudzu, the snapless snap bean, winter-resistant strains of ragweed, and other strains of plant life!

However, everyone was dumbfounded at his latest idea: to develop a strain of bananas that could be grown in North Dakota! Now several old-timers remember a song that states that you cannot put bananas in a refrigerator, so they assumed that refrigerator storage was the objective of his efforts.

It was more sinister than that.

Professor Renfroe was a member of a dissident group that south North Dakota independence. Now, no one should be surprised, as the good Dr. Renfroe could be expected to champion the most bizarre of ideas! So, how did developing a cold-resistant strain of banana trees come into this scheme?

It's simple. He wanted North Dakota to be the northernmost of the banana republics. And he figured that there would be a heavy export market to Chicago: there the politicians are always monkeying around!

The Dominatrix from North Dakota

Cynthia was determined to make it big in L.A. despite being a P.E. major from North Dakota. Admittedly, coming from there provided a distinct disadvantage; after all, what associations do people in entertainent make when they think of North Dakota? Yes, Peggy Lee, Roger Maris, and Lawrence Welk. Now it's hard when the most famous resident of your state is named after a shell! However, she felt that she had the talent, grit, and beauty to make it in Tinseltown.

Now, in order to make ends meet, she strayed to the seamier side of making a living, temporarily. However, she failed spectacularly as a pole dancer and as a tassel dancer. Once, she briefly served as a bouncer! How low could she stray? Now it so happened that one of the more dissolute agents she happened to call on suggested that, given her Brunhildesque proportions, she could obtain gainful employment as a dominatrix!

Her figure was helped by her avocation: Cynthia loved to cook back-home North Dakota food. She was considered an expert chef back home.

Now Cynthia did not know anything about the dominance-submission trade; but an afternoon on the internet opened up her eyes as to its possibilities. First, she noted that dominatrixes tended to be exotic, or at least present themselves as exotic. Having the right costume was important; and she had to position herself well. Especially often-found was Teutonic exotic dominatrixes. There's something about German girls, maybe, that brings out the reflexive submissiveness in Hollywood types.

And she purchased the necessary boots, rubber garments, whips, chains, handcuffs, and gags. It was clearly a big capital expense.

So she became Helga, Mistress to the Stars; and got a small following. However, she realized soon that Germanic dommes were a cliché long over-cast in Hollywood. Clearly, new kinkiness had to be uncovered. Finally, it hit her. She could be her own North Dakotan self!

So our girl now re-cast herself as Kristen the Fearsome Dominatrix from North Dakota, after her favorite literary character (Kristen Lavransdatter)! And she wore cut-off Daisy Dukes. And was not sparing of the whip. And if her customer was especially naughty, she had her own punishment.

Lutefisk.

However, being the kind girl from Minot that she was deep down inside, she offered full bed and breakfast services with her treatment.

But, being a dominatrix, she couldn't resist: breakfast was a full Dakota farm breakfast, served at 4:30 A.M. With two full desserts!

South Dakota Attraction

The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse

Unfortunately, most people have only have only heard of the Four Horsemen in the Book of Revelation.

In order to further their Biblical knowledge, I want to mention the lesser-known but equally feared Four Horsewomen. See the Bible for the full version.

They are:

(a) PMS, riding a puce horse

(b) Water Retention, riding a vile light green horse

(c) Weight gain, riding a blue horse

(d) Bad Hair, riding an off-brown horse with roots showing

Agggh! I hear hoofbeats!

A Message to Evangelicals and Fundamentalists

There seems to be a lot of tension centered around religion, pro and con. May I inject my perception here?

Most of this seems to be generated by the Fundamentalist or Evangelical crowd, which in turn provokes the bear-baiting which others engage in.

Personally, it is not of any consequence to me what you feel or think or 'know' about a deity and/or a possible afterlife. You can await John Frum to bring Cargo (but why to North Dakota, I have no idea) or Allah to give you 72 virgins in Paradise (not me, I'm pleased to admit), or hang out with Jean-Paul Sartre in his Existential Hell, for all I care. Just keep it to yourself, okay?

And this means:

Don't try to convert my family members to your Creed. That's an unfriendly thing to do. I don't try to convert your kith and kin to Lutheranism. Kindly return the favor.

You can entertain whatever private morality you wish; just don't try to make others conform to your restrictive standards of human conduct. We're not doing harm by having a drink, watching a R-rated movie, or in our choices of bedmates. Butt out!

You can believe in Zeus and worship phallic gods if you wish. But pray privately and don't subject the rest of us to your displays of faux piety. That end of those public prayers, "In Christ's name we pray . . . ." is a studied affront and a deliberate exclusion of our Jewish, Muslim, atheist, and other fellow citizens.

We're NOT a Christian nation. We are a secular one. We have no established church, no religious test for public office. It is true that we have more adherents to one belief system than others, but even among Christians there are widespread differences in terms of what is believed. Find out what those differences are, and respect them.

I DON'T want to have a Blessed Day. Give me an okay one. Or a nice one. Why must you turn even a commonplace pleasantry into a religious message?

Now about who is a Christian: A Christian is an adherent to a monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ, as prophicized in the Old Testament anddescribed in the New Testament. His disciples at Antioch were the first to be so-described. The ordinary definition of Christian includes Protestants, Catholics, Mormons, and even members who are Jehovah's Witnesses or Unitarians. To pretend that your flavor of Christianity is the true one is to commit the sin of Pride, traditionally regarded as the most subtle and deadly of the Deadly Sins.

In short, stop TRYING to be the enemy. Leave the rest of us alone.

Sensitivity on the Farm

Us residents of agricultural states have become increasingly sensitive to the needs of our companion animals, as behooves us in the early part of the 21st century. Consider this. We have been far too callous about how we treat farm animals in the past.

For instance, our friends the cows should be properly clothed. Actually, this form of sensitivity was originally developed in the 1930's by Walt Disney, who had Clarabelle the Cow wear a dress. There are nice cow bras available for full-figured bovines. And a nice frock might make Bossy not feel so udderly underclothed.

As for milking, you farmers should not just proceed right away, but instead properly follow the "go only to first base" rule. Send her flowers and pay her courtesies before asking her permission for taking such liberties!

And tell her you love her afterwards. I'm sure that your high school English teachers and your ministers would be proud of you.