Do's and Don'ts of Maintaining Platonic Relationships

Do's and Don'ts of Maintaining a Platonic Friendship

DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your true feelings to him or her, whereupon you proceed directly to frenzied yet sensitive, passionate, and completely fulfilling love-making.
DO NOT actually attempt this.

DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
DO NOT ever actually give her or him the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why he/she does not pick up on them.)

DO listen to all her problems with men/women:
No matter how many times you have heard her/him make these same mistakes (with other men/women), DO NOT get so entranced by his/her soft, full lips that you lean forward for a kiss. (Fantasize about it instead.)

DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy

DO commiserate with your close friends. See who can come up with the most heinously painful story about "The Treatment." Shudder in unison.

DO NOT confide in any of your same-sex friends, because:
They won't understand.
They've done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
They'll think you are talking about them.
They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men/Brotherhood to Destroy All Women.
DO get drunk and maudlin about her /him.
DO NOT get drunk and confront her/him.

If you do reveal your true feelings while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl. unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
DO say how it would be such a big mistake if the two of you were to get together.
DO joke about it afterwards.
DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
DO NOT consciously avoid him/her for the next two weeks (avoid him/her unconsciously).

DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
DO NOT actually change.

DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her "love" or "your friend"
DO NOT pretend you are kissing her/him when you lick the envelope.

DO vacillate between fearing that he/she will discover how you feel about her and hoping that she/he does.
DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs
DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely and disavow everything)

Does that cover it?