Our neighbors to the south are a little dense. Here's a story to illustrate that.
Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."
"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Why Television Should Employ Homely Anchorettes
This is just in. Some recent research indicated that men remember less information when viewing sexually provocatively dressed television anchorettes than if they were viewing more professionally dressed female anchors. Women, on the other hand, are unaffected by the provocativeness of the anchor person's dress.
It would seem to me that, if the goal is to disseminate information, then there would be more over all success if homely anchorettes were used. However, if ratings are the motivators, then go with the hot chicks! Remember Mélissa Theuriau?
Just as an aside: Do lesbians remember less news content while viewing sexually attractive anchorettes? They should do research on this.
Grabe, M. E. & Samson, L. (forthcoming). Sexual cues emanating from the anchorette chair: Implications for perceived professionalism, fitness for beat, and memory for news. Communication Research
It would seem to me that, if the goal is to disseminate information, then there would be more over all success if homely anchorettes were used. However, if ratings are the motivators, then go with the hot chicks! Remember Mélissa Theuriau?
Just as an aside: Do lesbians remember less news content while viewing sexually attractive anchorettes? They should do research on this.
Grabe, M. E. & Samson, L. (forthcoming). Sexual cues emanating from the anchorette chair: Implications for perceived professionalism, fitness for beat, and memory for news. Communication Research
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Why Beer Is Better Than Religion
1. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The Wager
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "Just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited."
"Well, Father," the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, Father." Replied the nun, "It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
The priest exclaimed, "What a very serious infraction! What did you do?"
The nun replied, "Well, I hit the ceiling, Father."
The Priest replied, "And how much did you win?"
"Father!" she cried, "Just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited."
"Well, Father," the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, Father." Replied the nun, "It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
The priest exclaimed, "What a very serious infraction! What did you do?"
The nun replied, "Well, I hit the ceiling, Father."
The Priest replied, "And how much did you win?"
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Do's and Don'ts of Maintaining Platonic Relationships
Do's and Don'ts of Maintaining a Platonic Friendship
DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your true feelings to him or her, whereupon you proceed directly to frenzied yet sensitive, passionate, and completely fulfilling love-making.
DO NOT actually attempt this.
DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
DO NOT ever actually give her or him the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why he/she does not pick up on them.)
DO listen to all her problems with men/women:
No matter how many times you have heard her/him make these same mistakes (with other men/women), DO NOT get so entranced by his/her soft, full lips that you lean forward for a kiss. (Fantasize about it instead.)
DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy
DO commiserate with your close friends. See who can come up with the most heinously painful story about "The Treatment." Shudder in unison.
DO NOT confide in any of your same-sex friends, because:
They won't understand.
They've done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
They'll think you are talking about them.
They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men/Brotherhood to Destroy All Women.
DO get drunk and maudlin about her /him.
DO NOT get drunk and confront her/him.
If you do reveal your true feelings while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl. unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
DO say how it would be such a big mistake if the two of you were to get together.
DO joke about it afterwards.
DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
DO NOT consciously avoid him/her for the next two weeks (avoid him/her unconsciously).
DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
DO NOT actually change.
DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her "love" or "your friend"
DO NOT pretend you are kissing her/him when you lick the envelope.
DO vacillate between fearing that he/she will discover how you feel about her and hoping that she/he does.
DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs
DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely and disavow everything)
Does that cover it?
DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your true feelings to him or her, whereupon you proceed directly to frenzied yet sensitive, passionate, and completely fulfilling love-making.
DO NOT actually attempt this.
DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
DO NOT ever actually give her or him the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why he/she does not pick up on them.)
DO listen to all her problems with men/women:
No matter how many times you have heard her/him make these same mistakes (with other men/women), DO NOT get so entranced by his/her soft, full lips that you lean forward for a kiss. (Fantasize about it instead.)
DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy
DO commiserate with your close friends. See who can come up with the most heinously painful story about "The Treatment." Shudder in unison.
DO NOT confide in any of your same-sex friends, because:
They won't understand.
They've done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
They'll think you are talking about them.
They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men/Brotherhood to Destroy All Women.
DO get drunk and maudlin about her /him.
DO NOT get drunk and confront her/him.
If you do reveal your true feelings while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl. unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
DO say how it would be such a big mistake if the two of you were to get together.
DO joke about it afterwards.
DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
DO NOT consciously avoid him/her for the next two weeks (avoid him/her unconsciously).
DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
DO NOT actually change.
DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her "love" or "your friend"
DO NOT pretend you are kissing her/him when you lick the envelope.
DO vacillate between fearing that he/she will discover how you feel about her and hoping that she/he does.
DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs
DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely and disavow everything)
Does that cover it?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Farm Girl Birth Control
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method."
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should not work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."
He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method."
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should not work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."
He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
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