Keep Calm

Funny Florida Laws

-It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
-Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless                -Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
-It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
-When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
-You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM on Thursday.  Save your nocturnal farts for the other six days.
-It is considered an offense to shower naked.
-You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
-You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
-Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
-The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages.
-One may not commit any "unnatural acts" with another person.
-Unmarried couples may not commit "lewd acts" and live together in the same residence.
-Corrupting the public morals is defined as a nuisance, and is declared a misdemeanor offense.
-Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.
-It is illegal to sell your children.
-Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
-A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
-If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.


In Pensacola citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.


In Key West, chickens are considered a 'protected species.'

Who's Bra?

It was track season in my junior year of high school and the girls had to practice with the boys the unit on track and field.  I hated these mixed classes; I felt like a cow. 

Because it was the day before wash day, I was down to a tight-fitting, constricting strapless bra.  It posed no problem under my PE clothes.  We stretched we as a group and then went out to the track to learn how to toss the discus.  It was really hard and unpleasant the discus was really heavy. It was then that I realized that my bra had come looser and was hanging by not all the hooks!  Oh, crap!

I couldn't re-hook it now because all the boys were watching, so when it came my turn I grabbed the discus and got ready to throw. My back was aching and I felt like I was going to puke - hoping that my bra wouldn't come off.  As soon as I threw it, things felt more comfortable.  Oh no!  My bra made a quick snapping noise, slid off from under my gym shirt, and landed on the ground.

It was pink and lacy.

That gave everyone something to talk about for a day. 

I got over it.

Occasionally Seen in Florida

Well, almost! 
There's a sizeable cultural shock
that goes with encountering the
relative relaxed modesty and
alcohol intake in South Florida.


I'm still working on it.

A No-Show for the Prom, But Still a Class Act

Talia Maselli of Newington, Connecticut wanted to go to her high school prom only if she could go with "the most delightful man in all of America"; so she wrote to invite Vice President Joe Biden!

Biden, very much married, couldn't make it, but sent a handwritten card and a corsage he picked out — baby's breath, white roses and red, white and blue ribbons.  Talia received this corsage the day before the scheduled prom. 

She thought that Biden was funny and "would be fun to hang out with."

She had threatened, if he turned her down, to invite Speaker John Boehner.

Joe Biden and Talia Maselli may meet at the White House in July.

This Republican girl thinks that he was really cool!

http://www.tampabay.com/news/bizarre/the-skinny-biden-a-no-show-for-teens-prom-but-sends-corsage/2180525

The C-String

I just want to report on the most outlandish innovation in swimwear that has hit the Florida beaches: the C-string!

Think of this as a substitute for the bikini bottom.  If you thought the string bikini or the thong reached levels of daring, this  little nothing pushes things a bit further.

I'm not sure; but I think it might have originated in South America, where there seems to be a competition for making swimwear increasingly daring.  Let's say that this pushes the envelope a bit further.  It must take a special act of faith to presume that it would stay in place with any kind of use!

Toto, I don't think we're in North Dakota any more!

I do not plan to go in this direction.  A granny bikini is daring enough, especially considering that I have an ample backside.

Three Blondes

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.


The first blonde said, “Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”


“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”


The second blonde said, “Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus’ being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other.”


“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in, either.”


The third blonde said, “Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it.”


“Very good!” said St. Peter.


The blonde continued. “Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball.”


St. Peter fainted!