Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Wager

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "Just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited."

"Well, Father," the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, Father." Replied the nun, "It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

The priest exclaimed, "What a very serious infraction! What did you do?"

The nun replied, "Well, I hit the ceiling, Father."

The Priest replied, "And how much did you win?"

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Do's and Don'ts of Maintaining Platonic Relationships

Do's and Don'ts of Maintaining a Platonic Friendship

DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your true feelings to him or her, whereupon you proceed directly to frenzied yet sensitive, passionate, and completely fulfilling love-making.
DO NOT actually attempt this.

DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
DO NOT ever actually give her or him the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why he/she does not pick up on them.)

DO listen to all her problems with men/women:
No matter how many times you have heard her/him make these same mistakes (with other men/women), DO NOT get so entranced by his/her soft, full lips that you lean forward for a kiss. (Fantasize about it instead.)

DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy

DO commiserate with your close friends. See who can come up with the most heinously painful story about "The Treatment." Shudder in unison.

DO NOT confide in any of your same-sex friends, because:
They won't understand.
They've done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
They'll think you are talking about them.
They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men/Brotherhood to Destroy All Women.
DO get drunk and maudlin about her /him.
DO NOT get drunk and confront her/him.

If you do reveal your true feelings while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl. unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
DO say how it would be such a big mistake if the two of you were to get together.
DO joke about it afterwards.
DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
DO NOT consciously avoid him/her for the next two weeks (avoid him/her unconsciously).

DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
DO NOT actually change.

DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her "love" or "your friend"
DO NOT pretend you are kissing her/him when you lick the envelope.

DO vacillate between fearing that he/she will discover how you feel about her and hoping that she/he does.
DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs
DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely and disavow everything)

Does that cover it?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Farm Girl Birth Control

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method."

"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.

Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should not work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."