Tuesday, December 28, 2010

An Evening of Chamber Music

The North Central Chapter of Hell's Angels
is proud to present
An Evening of Chamber Music
"Kanon in D"
to be held in
Blair's Truck Stop and Bar
January 6, 2011
Black tie or evening gown preferred
Cocktails afterwards

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Realities of Life in North Dakota

Some person from the Sun Belt asked me little ways in which life here is different. In no attempt at subtlety, I listed a few:

1. If you leave your beer bottles outside all night during the winter, you can have a beer popsickle.

2. People do not think it strange to eat two kinds of pie for breakfast.

3. Bridal lingerie showers almost always include longjohns for a bridal gift.

4. People actually have an abiding interest in hockey.

5. The vice squad in Fargo goes off duty at 10 P.M., as the doxies leave the street.

6. Minneapolis is considered Sin City.

7. The Grand Forks Herald is the state's premier newspaper.

8. They charge admission to wedding dances in some towns.

9. Our Red River floods.

10. North Dakota was too cold for Custer, who once went AWOL.

11. Lesbians ridge on floats in parades.

12. Theodore Roosevelt and the Marquis de Mores were important state historical figures.

13. When citing famous North Dakotans, they cite Peggy Lee, Lawrence WElk, and Roger Maris.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Baptist Passion Check

This is a subtle touching of a guy's crotch area to see whether he is beginning to have an erection. The plan is that, if he is, to stop the deep kissing or making out.

Example: Anne stopped Tom in mid-kiss after he failed the Baptist passion check.

It takes considerably more self-control than I can muster to go this route.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Time for Troll Sensitivity

There's an unfortunate term that has come into usage on the internet, and I insist that it is offensive and discriminatory to the real persons. After all, sensitive people have come to abhor and disapprove of such expressions as "&%# him down," "#%&@#* verdict,$%*&#@ rigging," "$%# salad," and so forth. And, rightly, they should.

The term I take exception to is the common internet use of the term "troll." Now a real troll is a member of an anthropomorph race that inhabited Scandinavia originally. However, had some of its members migrated to Minnesota and North Dakota. They tend to be isolated, secretive, and ordinarily have only indirect exchange encounters with humans. They sometimes benefit the human race by exchanging troll babies for the degenerate human ones and thus reinvigorate the human species line.

To call internet troublemakers "trolls" is an injustice to this worthy race of our fellow creatures. Also, we should take care not to associate cannibalism with trollism. (Most subsist on frogs and birds' eggs.) Also, they are not hairy or physically unattractive; in fact, some of the prominent fashion models are really troll changlings. As a matter of fact, if a man encounters a fashionably-dressed women in the forest, she is probably a lipstick lesbian troll. She would, however, be better described as a lutefisk lesbian, after their favorite food.

It's time to give our fellow Troll-Americans their place in the sun and their own character on Grey's Anatomy! The Pro-Troll Defamation League is mobilizing and plans some demonstrations in Minneapolis, Mankato, Duluth, and Fargo soon.

Uff da!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

You Bet Your Ass

People dealing with the realities of entertainment in small towns, even with cable television, often have to become quite creative. In Horse's Butt, North Dakota the communal entertainment came in the form of a quiz program challenge. Now this included some features of The Price Is Right, Do You Want To Be a Millionaire, and that old Grocho Marx program, You Bet Your Life. In order to make it interesting, the game included four contestants competing for a small amount of prize money. However, each contestant would have to put up his or her mule or donkey, with the loser losing said animal. Hence the title, You Bet Your Ass.

This innocent rural pastime had only a small pool of potential participants; not many people own four-legged asses. Therefore, in order to increase participation, some aspects were modified. No one had to pony up a draft animal. Instead, at the end of the contest, the winner collected the small stipend, and the loser had to turn around, face the curtain, and lower his or her jeans, long johns, briefs or panties, and moon the audience.

The local Lutheran minister preached against this pagan practice, but it continued nonetheless. Entertainment is hard to come by in some places.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Notice of Meeting

The New Feminist Lutheran Lesbian Prayer Collective and New Age Glee Club will meet in the Fellowship Hall on Friday, October 26, 2010, at 7:30 P.M. Bring your prayer shawls and wear exercise clothes. A fruit cake will be auctioned off to benefit the missionaries in Chicago.

The New Feminist Lutheran Lesbian Prayer Collective and New Age Glee Club prides itself on making its own fruit cakes. These are actual edible fruit cakes (to the extent that one would eat a fruit cake) using homemade ingredients. The NFLLPC & NAGC is very traditionalist, and all turn out in their Sunday best jeans and motorcycle jackets for public meetings. Their sale is the social event of the season.

We appreciate the free lube jobs offered by Svenson and Son as an expression of solidarity with our cause.

Uff da!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Feline Tourism in North Dakota

Up to the present, feline tourism has neglected the fine sights of North Dakota.

1) Fat cats would definitely enjoy a visit to Bismarck, the State Capital. It is the only one named after a doughnut.
2) Hunting along the beautiful banks of the Souris river is always a winner, especially since the name means "mouse" in French.
3) Accordionists and others flock to Lawrence Welk's boyhood home in Strassburg.
4) The Geographical Center of North America is marked by a cairn just south of Rugby; and it in turn is marked by dogs.
5) Take part in the notorious catnip parties in Grand Forks just off the UND campus. Just ask one of the stoned cats to direct you to one.
6) Western North Dakota has (or is) the world's biggest sandbox. Go there, and affix a bumper sticker on your car to prove it!
7) Sleep in a bona fide missle silo.
8) For a Walk on the Wild Side, the Dove Linkhorns of the feline world may go to the cat houses of dissolute Fargo. Feline STDs at no extra charge!
9) Why not Minot? Let me count the ways..... There's October, November, December, January, February, March, April, and May.
10) Use the famed double-decker sandbox in Dickinson.
11) Take part in the North Dakota Cat Polkafest in Devil's Lake.
12) Visit the world's only Cat Pizzareia in Jamestown. Try their speciality, the mouse and sausage pizza.
13) Visit Theodore Roosevelt National Park and your mountain lion cousins. But if you can't run with the big cats, then stay on the porch!
14) The Chateau de Mores near Medora is another site to see. It was built by a disco king with a funny moustache.
15) George Armstrong Custer should have stayed at Fort Abraham Lincoln. You can visit the old place. Good mousing nearby.
16) Who much wood can a woodchuck chip when a woodchuck chips wood? Go to Fargo to find out, and also see the movie.
17) Visit the State Prison for Dogs at Medora and taunt our canine friends.
18) See the Gingras Trading Post if you're lost: it's out of the way to anything.
19) The Museum of Cat Art in Williston features paintings by Louis Wain and Edouard Manet.
20) No bull! Visit the Sitting Bull Monument.
21) Peggy Lee came from somewhere in North Dakota; I wish I knew where.
22) See the UND Sioux whip up on NDSU and USD each year! Go, Sioux!!
23) Drive ultrafast on the interstate in western North Dakota.
24) For those with a craving for the exotic, there's Winnipeg -- just north of North Dakota.
25) Admire our high-rise State Capitol and Grain Silo (in Bismarck).

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Peeper and I

At night a few years ago, as I was undressing in front of my bedroom mirror, I noticed one of the neighboring guys eyeing me through his partially-open curtain. As he was a harmless dork, and therefore not to be worried about, I did not suffer from the normal feelings of being put upon, violated, tresspassed, or such that you might feel upon discovery that you are the focus of voyeuristic attentions.

I read that guys who do this are intimidated by women; but that somehow they come to regard their being able to peek surreptiously gives them a quasi-dominance over the person they are viewing. (Understandably, I was curious; but did not take much psychology.) I reasoned that, if I were aware of the situation, and permitted him to do so up to a point, I would in fact be imposing dominance over him! It would be even more sensuous if he was unaware of the fact that I was aware of him!

Anyway, on some nights, my curtain would be drawn. On others, it would be open and I would grant him a performance. When I was in the mood, I would treat him to my shaving my legs (a summertime vanity only in North Dakota) or taking off my blouse or t-shirt and bra. When I was feeling very kind, I would walk around in my panties before my shower after having performed a mild strip-tease act.

I would occasionally encounter him in a coffee shop during the day, and pass some mild greeting to him, as a mild encouragement, should he work up his nerve. He didn't; he was as harmless as a lamb.

I don't think he ever caught on; and he was quite regular for several months. However, when the weather got too cold, he stopped.

I guess peeping is a summertime activity in North Dakota. Maybe when the geese remigrate north, he will reappear.
I wonder how much he suspects I know.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Choosing a North Dakota Mistress

Men have their needs but they are sometimes tempered by folly. For example, many men might aspire to have a beautiful French or Italian mistress: sophisticated, passionate, but a trifle impractical and both are definitely high-maintenance. Also, the cultural gap can be formidable: they are socialized into eating strange foods and speaking incomprehensible languages, they are too thin for heavy work, and are addicted to designer clothes from Paris or Milan.
In my humble opinion they should seek someone closer to home to fill this need for a trophy mistress. What else should they look but in beautiful North Dakota, where exotic mistresses are currently available for all needs? Your chosen North Dakotan lady friend would be, of course, skilled in the arts of coquetry and seduction. Think of the envy you provoke in others when you appear at opening night for the Tyrone Guthrie Theatre in Minneapolis with her wearing a bright red décollété gown and practically spilling out of it! (Even more so when the two of you make the Lutheran services on Sunday.)

And you can take her to restaurants you would rather go: Denny's or the Red Lobster, rather than some overpriced restaurant where you would eat questionable substances such as escargot or calamari. She would willingly go with you to the Talladega 500 or other premier cultural events and behave with the proper savoir faire, and not reflect ill on your taste.

Of course, you would have to make allowances: sweat suits or long johns are more practical for Great Plains winter wear than is a negligee. (Victoria's Secret should come out with a line of seductive long johns for such situations.) But, after an evening of wanton abandonment, she will get up and fix you a fine dinner of hamburger steak, macaroni and cheese, broccoli, corned bread, and two kinds of pies so that your batteries may quickly be charged.

You would not have to worry about the language barrier, either, other than her saying "yah" or a few other expressions. So, guys, now's the time to seek out that very special cutie from North Dakota: the state that gave us Peggy Lee, Lawrence Welk, Angie Dickinson, and Louis L'Amour! Think of the advantages: having a big, strong, practical girl from the Heartland of America who can drive a tractor or combine and encourage you to eat lutefisk.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Customer Satisfaction Survey

Customer Satisfaction Survey

In order to increase customer satisfaction and to improve our product, we ask that you respond to this questionnaire and send it postpaid to USAF Survey Command, Omaha, NB.

1. Have we been prompt in providing bombing services in your country?

2. Are you satified with the selection of bombs that we have dropped on you?

3. Do you find our aircraft to be sparkling and attractively painted?

4. Have we also provided you with the complimentary missle package?

5. Please rate the quality of service delivered:

a. Radar infiltration excellent good fair poor

b. Tactical bombing excellent good fair poor

c. Follow-up excellent good fair poor

d. Delivery service with smile
excellent good fair poor

e. Strategc delivery excellent good fair poor

6. How may we improve our service to you?

"Peace is our Profession"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Lutefisk Conspiracy

The extent of this cynical plot is not widely known throughout the USA because it is seemingly isolated in Minnesota, North Dakota, and Wisconsin. However, the conspirators have been plotting to undermine our lives by foisting off on an unsuspecting public an inedible substance, lutefisk. One cannot attend a covered dish supper in those beknighted regions without encountering this vile substance. Consider all of the wonderful cuisine of the region: boiled cabbage, corn bread, Swedish meat balls, pancakes, three bean salad; why do these seemingly respectable Lutheran housewives produce such a noxious dish?

I have a theory; let me know what you think of this. Lutefisk is a regional joke played on tourists and other visitors like Haggis in Scotland or grits in the South. No one locally really eats lutefisk any more than Scots eat haggis or Southerners eat grits: they make it to play a morbid prank on unsuspecting tourists.

Now I am researching the rumors regarding scrod and calamari. When I first heard of the former, I thought that I had received an indecent proposal. As for the latter, I decided that I have no quarrel with relatives of the octopi.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Modest Proposal for a State Name Change

It's been suggested from time to time that the state of North Dakota be simply known as 'Dakota.' This would produce an instant rise in average temperature of twelve degrees. The state would save some as-yet-undermined amount of money through reduced printing costs, and tourism will flourish as International travelers come to this new destination.

Hipness will suddenly reign. No longer will Jared Fogle making an appearance be what the national media reports as N. D. news. No, No Dice any more . The Grand Forks branch of Victoria's Secret will not primarily stock lurid red violet long johns, small towns will not be beset with maurading turkeys, and 'Fever' will not be required daily fare on the radio right after the swine report.

Look for the Bismarck fashion scene to be reported on Style. And the Minot Film Festival attracting all the beautiful people from as far away as Paris or Tokyo. And the neat little bistros on the main drag! Yes, good peeps, we will have it all. What's in a name? A bunch, you betcha!

What about South Dakota? Well, they seem to be happy in their southness since 1889: they can retain their own name. Or, they might want to throw their lot with their newly emergent progressive neighbors to the north! Let's stretch out a neighborly hand to aid them. Besides, we need a Riviera for the Dakotatrash to hang out, gamble, and wear skimpy Lutheran bikini swim suits!

On the other hand, we have the sterling example of the PRNK. North Korea, under the leadership of Dear Leader Kim Il-Jong, often styles itself "Best Korea.'

Now that's an alternative idea. Best Dakota. I like it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Professor Renfroe, Guerilla Botanist

One of the more eccentric professors at a North Dakotan state university was known for two things: his almost reflexive championing of radical causes, and his penchant for seeking out the exotic in horticulture. With regard to radical causes, he was a card-carrying member of Citizens for Fair Play to Quebec, the Antinudist Foundation, the Know Damn Little Party, Marxists for Christ, the Anti-Designated Hitter Rule Society, the Prairie Dog Antidiscrimination League, and others. And his forays into botany were well-known. He singlehandedly developed the cold-weather resistant form of kudzu, the snapless snap bean, winter-resistant strains of ragweed, and other strains of plant life!

However, everyone was dumbfounded at his latest idea: to develop a strain of bananas that could be grown in North Dakota! Now several old-timers remember a song that states that you cannot put bananas in a refrigerator, so they assumed that refrigerator storage was the objective of his efforts.

It was more sinister than that.

Professor Renfroe was a member of a dissident group that south North Dakota independence. Now, no one should be surprised, as the good Dr. Renfroe could be expected to champion the most bizarre of ideas! So, how did developing a cold-resistant strain of banana trees come into this scheme?

It's simple. He wanted North Dakota to be the northernmost of the banana republics. And he figured that there would be a heavy export market to Chicago: there the politicians are always monkeying around!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Dominatrix from North Dakota

Cynthia was determined to make it big in L.A. despite being a P.E. major from North Dakota. Admittedly, coming from there provided a distinct disadvantage; after all, what associations do people in entertainent make when they think of North Dakota? Yes, Peggy Lee, Roger Maris, and Lawrence Welk. Now it's hard when the most famous resident of your state is named after a shell! However, she felt that she had the talent, grit, and beauty to make it in Tinseltown.

Now, in order to make ends meet, she strayed to the seamier side of making a living, temporarily. However, she failed spectacularly as a pole dancer and as a tassel dancer. Once, she briefly served as a bouncer! How low could she stray? Now it so happened that one of the more dissolute agents she happened to call on suggested that, given her Brunhildesque proportions, she could obtain gainful employment as a dominatrix!

Her figure was helped by her avocation: Cynthia loved to cook back-home North Dakota food. She was considered an expert chef back home.

Now Cynthia did not know anything about the dominance-submission trade; but an afternoon on the internet opened up her eyes as to its possibilities. First, she noted that dominatrixes tended to be exotic, or at least present themselves as exotic. Having the right costume was important; and she had to position herself well. Especially often-found was Teutonic exotic dominatrixes. There's something about German girls, maybe, that brings out the reflexive submissiveness in Hollywood types.

And she purchased the necessary boots, rubber garments, whips, chains, handcuffs, and gags. It was clearly a big capital expense.

So she became Helga, Mistress to the Stars; and got a small following. However, she realized soon that Germanic dommes were a cliché long over-cast in Hollywood. Clearly, new kinkiness had to be uncovered. Finally, it hit her. She could be her own North Dakotan self!

So our girl now re-cast herself as Kristen the Fearsome Dominatrix from North Dakota, after her favorite literary character (Kristen Lavransdatter)! And she wore cut-off Daisy Dukes. And was not sparing of the whip. And if her customer was especially naughty, she had her own punishment.


However, being the kind girl from Minot that she was deep down inside, she offered full bed and breakfast services with her treatment.

But, being a dominatrix, she couldn't resist: breakfast was a full Dakota farm breakfast, served at 4:30 A.M. With two full desserts!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse

Unfortunately, most people have only have only heard of the Four Horsemen in the Book of Revelation.

In order to further their Biblical knowledge, I want to mention the lesser-known but equally feared Four Horsewomen. See the Bible for the full version.

They are:

(a) PMS, riding a puce horse

(b) Water Retention, riding a vile light green horse

(c) Weight gain, riding a blue horse

(d) Bad Hair, riding an off-brown horse with roots showing

Agggh! I hear hoofbeats!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A Message to Evangelicals and Fundamentalists

There seems to be a lot of tension centered around religion, pro and con. May I inject my perception here?

Most of this seems to be generated by the Fundamentalist or Evangelical crowd, which in turn provokes the bear-baiting which others engage in.

Personally, it is not of any consequence to me what you feel or think or 'know' about a deity and/or a possible afterlife. You can await John Frum to bring Cargo (but why to North Dakota, I have no idea) or Allah to give you 72 virgins in Paradise (not me, I'm pleased to admit), or hang out with Jean-Paul Sartre in his Existential Hell, for all I care. Just keep it to yourself, okay?

And this means:

Don't try to convert my family members to your Creed. That's an unfriendly thing to do. I don't try to convert your kith and kin to Lutheranism. Kindly return the favor.

You can entertain whatever private morality you wish; just don't try to make others conform to your restrictive standards of human conduct. We're not doing harm by having a drink, watching a R-rated movie, or in our choices of bedmates. Butt out!

You can believe in Zeus and worship phallic gods if you wish. But pray privately and don't subject the rest of us to your displays of faux piety. That end of those public prayers, "In Christ's name we pray . . . ." is a studied affront and a deliberate exclusion of our Jewish, Muslim, atheist, and other fellow citizens.

We're NOT a Christian nation. We are a secular one. We have no established church, no religious test for public office. It is true that we have more adherents to one belief system than others, but even among Christians there are widespread differences in terms of what is believed. Find out what those differences are, and respect them.

I DON'T want to have a Blessed Day. Give me an okay one. Or a nice one. Why must you turn even a commonplace pleasantry into a religious message?

Now about who is a Christian: A Christian is an adherent to a monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ, as prophicized in the Old Testament anddescribed in the New Testament. His disciples at Antioch were the first to be so-described. The ordinary definition of Christian includes Protestants, Catholics, Mormons, and even members who are Jehovah's Witnesses or Unitarians. To pretend that your flavor of Christianity is the true one is to commit the sin of Pride, traditionally regarded as the most subtle and deadly of the Deadly Sins.

In short, stop TRYING to be the enemy. Leave the rest of us alone.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Sensitivity on the Farm

Us residents of agricultural states have become increasingly sensitive to the needs of our companion animals, as behooves us in the early part of the 21st century. Consider this. We have been far too callous about how we treat farm animals in the past.

For instance, our friends the cows should be properly clothed. Actually, this form of sensitivity was originally developed in the 1930's by Walt Disney, who had Clarabelle the Cow wear a dress. There are nice cow bras available for full-figured bovines. And a nice frock might make Bossy not feel so udderly underclothed.

As for milking, you farmers should not just proceed right away, but instead properly follow the "go only to first base" rule. Send her flowers and pay her courtesies before asking her permission for taking such liberties!

And tell her you love her afterwards. I'm sure that your high school English teachers and your ministers would be proud of you.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Appropriate Costume for Cat Hunts

While reading another thread I was astonished to read some writers claimed to engage in the apparent sport of cat hunting! Now I've heard of deer hunting, coon hunting, and even snipe hunting, but a casual search regarding this sport of cat hunting elicited no enlightenment.

Obviously, this is a local custom that, somehow, managed to slip by the all-seeing eye of Wikipedia. Therefore, in the desire for advancing knowledge regarding this persumably local sport, I would like to know just how it is done.

Are there cat-hunting dogs, just like there are fox dogs or coon dogs?

May ladies also participate in feline hunts, or should we be catty about this?

Is the prey pursued on horseback, with the riders wearing pinks, tan trousers or jodhpurs, black helmets, and black boots while yelling "Tally-Ho"?

May ladies also wear the appropriate cat-hunting costume when given permission by the Master of the Hunt?

I am aware that fox hunting carries a social cachet to it; but, because of that, it also has certain requirements that it be done correctly. I would not be surprised if cat hunting is likewise socially regulated when practiced by the country club set.

Maybe we can update Oscar Wilde's quote:"A cat hunt is the unspeakable chasing after the inedible."