Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Strippers Turning to Politics

One little-reported offshoot of the recession is the increasing need of those who depend on gratuities for their income to supplement their original income with alternative means. Case in point: strippers and pole dancers. At one time they could count on a very good cash flow; and live a true stripper's lifestyle.

Now it's important to remember that strippers do have overhead: the numerous costumes to be worn briefly during their performances, and a monthly tip for the bouncer where they perform.Given the limited education of most strippers, and the limits on where they can find alternate work, it is not surprising that some have gone into politics.

However, most voters who might vote for stripper candidates want theirs to be blonde. After all, don't blondes have more fun; and they want their pols to be fun!

"Being able to giggle is a plus, and a little nitrous oxide and peroxide and boob surgery and bam, I’m a viable candidate for the General Assembly! Of course I won’t let my kids watch,” said Gwendolyn Jones (D-Bismarck). "But I've got the foxy grandpa vote. All their friends in other districts are envious.”

Experience doesn’t seem to be a priority in the job description, according to Crystal Delight (R - Fargo) “It’s get on, get off, get paid," said this former stripper-turned politician."

The skills you learn by being a lap dancer in the pubic arena prepare you well for the public arena. You can manage in five minutes to make them believe you care about them and you’re done. But a question seems to have been answered: How well would the typical Flickertail state voter receive these former strippers into the political arena. One of the stripper political candidates, responding to a question by an elderly Methodist woman, answered that she would make a clean breast of her financial record for all to see. The Methodist lady then asked her, "Would you be wearing pasties?"

The candidate's response was, "It depends on the local laws in Bismarck."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hiring the New Pastor and the Bikini Wax Session

A church in the Midwest had an occasion to obtain a new pastor, and because several people in it had connections with the Bishop, they were allowed to review possible candidates. Unfortunately, many of them had negatives. Here are some summaries of the limitations of each:

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
Deborah: Female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. The Screening Committee found this last point to be especially troublesome.
Timothy: Too young.
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
The Selection Committee hopes to interview the final three candidates and hear trial sermons in the next three weeks.


Our present-day Congress may be described as do-nothing. All talk, no legislation. Bunch of wainkers!

A few years ago, we had a do-nothing session of the Legislative Assembly here in North Dakota. Now you probably heard nothing of this, as we're not an important state with few electoral votes, but they did accomplish something after all: they passed an act requiring the training and licensing of individuals doing bikini waxings. Now, let's put this in perspective: ND is perhaps the coldest state of the contiguous 48, and there's perhaps not as much demand for this service as Florida might require. But, they were able to rise fully for the occasion in this case.

The session become known as the Legislative Assembly's Bikini Wax Session. Now I'll leave you with that possibly disturbing thought.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Merry Christmas/Happy Hannakuh/Have an Okay Festivus

Ahhh.....It's the holidays...........time for rejoicing. The Christmas tree has metaporphed into various theme forms, all in the spirit of a creative way to express Merry Christmas.

Also, there must be something atavistic in women to express decorations using arboreal themes, as witness the egg tree, the bra tree, and the wax fruit tree motifs so often repeated. Here's a new variant which appeared in Bangkok: a Condom and cabbage tree. The person posing looks pleased. I wonder if its because condoms take the worry out of being close?

It's not likely that this type of tree will be displayed in Grand Forks.

Anyway, I hope you are enjoying the spirit and fact of the holidays. Marry Christmas/Happy Hannakuh/Happy Festivus/Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A New Development in Fashion

A Vietnamese student, Nguyen Minh Tuan, created a dress entirely made of condoms. He made the dress for his graduation project at Van Lang University in Ho Chi Minh City. He did this to publicize safe sex through the use of condoms, but he created fashion art as well. He is to be commended for this ground-breaking development as well as his art.

I think the model looks cute in it. It may not go over in a big way in Grand Forks, though. Maybe in Minneapolis. Maybe it can be worn with a camisole, as the condoms probably feel cool.

And, who knows, the wearer would be prepared just in case!