Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Choosing a North Dakota Mistress

Men have their needs but they are sometimes tempered by folly. For example, many men might aspire to have a beautiful French or Italian mistress: sophisticated, passionate, but a trifle impractical and both are definitely high-maintenance. Also, the cultural gap can be formidable: they are socialized into eating strange foods and speaking incomprehensible languages, they are too thin for heavy work, and are addicted to designer clothes from Paris or Milan.
In my humble opinion they should seek someone closer to home to fill this need for a trophy mistress. What else should they look but in beautiful North Dakota, where exotic mistresses are currently available for all needs? Your chosen North Dakotan lady friend would be, of course, skilled in the arts of coquetry and seduction. Think of the envy you provoke in others when you appear at opening night for the Tyrone Guthrie Theatre in Minneapolis with her wearing a bright red décollété gown and practically spilling out of it! (Even more so when the two of you make the Lutheran services on Sunday.)

And you can take her to restaurants you would rather go: Denny's or the Red Lobster, rather than some overpriced restaurant where you would eat questionable substances such as escargot or calamari. She would willingly go with you to the Talladega 500 or other premier cultural events and behave with the proper savoir faire, and not reflect ill on your taste.

Of course, you would have to make allowances: sweat suits or long johns are more practical for Great Plains winter wear than is a negligee. (Victoria's Secret should come out with a line of seductive long johns for such situations.) But, after an evening of wanton abandonment, she will get up and fix you a fine dinner of hamburger steak, macaroni and cheese, broccoli, corned bread, and two kinds of pies so that your batteries may quickly be charged.

You would not have to worry about the language barrier, either, other than her saying "yah" or a few other expressions. So, guys, now's the time to seek out that very special cutie from North Dakota: the state that gave us Peggy Lee, Lawrence Welk, Angie Dickinson, and Louis L'Amour! Think of the advantages: having a big, strong, practical girl from the Heartland of America who can drive a tractor or combine and encourage you to eat lutefisk.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Customer Satisfaction Survey

Customer Satisfaction Survey

In order to increase customer satisfaction and to improve our product, we ask that you respond to this questionnaire and send it postpaid to USAF Survey Command, Omaha, NB.

1. Have we been prompt in providing bombing services in your country?

2. Are you satified with the selection of bombs that we have dropped on you?

3. Do you find our aircraft to be sparkling and attractively painted?

4. Have we also provided you with the complimentary missle package?

5. Please rate the quality of service delivered:

a. Radar infiltration excellent good fair poor

b. Tactical bombing excellent good fair poor

c. Follow-up excellent good fair poor

d. Delivery service with smile
excellent good fair poor

e. Strategc delivery excellent good fair poor

6. How may we improve our service to you?

"Peace is our Profession"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Lutefisk Conspiracy

The extent of this cynical plot is not widely known throughout the USA because it is seemingly isolated in Minnesota, North Dakota, and Wisconsin. However, the conspirators have been plotting to undermine our lives by foisting off on an unsuspecting public an inedible substance, lutefisk. One cannot attend a covered dish supper in those beknighted regions without encountering this vile substance. Consider all of the wonderful cuisine of the region: boiled cabbage, corn bread, Swedish meat balls, pancakes, three bean salad; why do these seemingly respectable Lutheran housewives produce such a noxious dish?

I have a theory; let me know what you think of this. Lutefisk is a regional joke played on tourists and other visitors like Haggis in Scotland or grits in the South. No one locally really eats lutefisk any more than Scots eat haggis or Southerners eat grits: they make it to play a morbid prank on unsuspecting tourists.

Now I am researching the rumors regarding scrod and calamari. When I first heard of the former, I thought that I had received an indecent proposal. As for the latter, I decided that I have no quarrel with relatives of the octopi.