Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Modest Proposal for a State Name Change

It's been suggested from time to time that the state of North Dakota be simply known as 'Dakota.' This would produce an instant rise in average temperature of twelve degrees. The state would save some as-yet-undermined amount of money through reduced printing costs, and tourism will flourish as International travelers come to this new destination.

Hipness will suddenly reign. No longer will Jared Fogle making an appearance be what the national media reports as N. D. news. No, No Dice any more . The Grand Forks branch of Victoria's Secret will not primarily stock lurid red violet long johns, small towns will not be beset with maurading turkeys, and 'Fever' will not be required daily fare on the radio right after the swine report.

Look for the Bismarck fashion scene to be reported on Style. And the Minot Film Festival attracting all the beautiful people from as far away as Paris or Tokyo. And the neat little bistros on the main drag! Yes, good peeps, we will have it all. What's in a name? A bunch, you betcha!

What about South Dakota? Well, they seem to be happy in their southness since 1889: they can retain their own name. Or, they might want to throw their lot with their newly emergent progressive neighbors to the north! Let's stretch out a neighborly hand to aid them. Besides, we need a Riviera for the Dakotatrash to hang out, gamble, and wear skimpy Lutheran bikini swim suits!

On the other hand, we have the sterling example of the PRNK. North Korea, under the leadership of Dear Leader Kim Il-Jong, often styles itself "Best Korea.'

Now that's an alternative idea. Best Dakota. I like it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Professor Renfroe, Guerilla Botanist

One of the more eccentric professors at a North Dakotan state university was known for two things: his almost reflexive championing of radical causes, and his penchant for seeking out the exotic in horticulture. With regard to radical causes, he was a card-carrying member of Citizens for Fair Play to Quebec, the Antinudist Foundation, the Know Damn Little Party, Marxists for Christ, the Anti-Designated Hitter Rule Society, the Prairie Dog Antidiscrimination League, and others. And his forays into botany were well-known. He singlehandedly developed the cold-weather resistant form of kudzu, the snapless snap bean, winter-resistant strains of ragweed, and other strains of plant life!

However, everyone was dumbfounded at his latest idea: to develop a strain of bananas that could be grown in North Dakota! Now several old-timers remember a song that states that you cannot put bananas in a refrigerator, so they assumed that refrigerator storage was the objective of his efforts.

It was more sinister than that.

Professor Renfroe was a member of a dissident group that south North Dakota independence. Now, no one should be surprised, as the good Dr. Renfroe could be expected to champion the most bizarre of ideas! So, how did developing a cold-resistant strain of banana trees come into this scheme?

It's simple. He wanted North Dakota to be the northernmost of the banana republics. And he figured that there would be a heavy export market to Chicago: there the politicians are always monkeying around!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Dominatrix from North Dakota

Cynthia was determined to make it big in L.A. despite being a P.E. major from North Dakota. Admittedly, coming from there provided a distinct disadvantage; after all, what associations do people in entertainent make when they think of North Dakota? Yes, Peggy Lee, Roger Maris, and Lawrence Welk. Now it's hard when the most famous resident of your state is named after a shell! However, she felt that she had the talent, grit, and beauty to make it in Tinseltown.

Now, in order to make ends meet, she strayed to the seamier side of making a living, temporarily. However, she failed spectacularly as a pole dancer and as a tassel dancer. Once, she briefly served as a bouncer! How low could she stray? Now it so happened that one of the more dissolute agents she happened to call on suggested that, given her Brunhildesque proportions, she could obtain gainful employment as a dominatrix!

Her figure was helped by her avocation: Cynthia loved to cook back-home North Dakota food. She was considered an expert chef back home.

Now Cynthia did not know anything about the dominance-submission trade; but an afternoon on the internet opened up her eyes as to its possibilities. First, she noted that dominatrixes tended to be exotic, or at least present themselves as exotic. Having the right costume was important; and she had to position herself well. Especially often-found was Teutonic exotic dominatrixes. There's something about German girls, maybe, that brings out the reflexive submissiveness in Hollywood types.

And she purchased the necessary boots, rubber garments, whips, chains, handcuffs, and gags. It was clearly a big capital expense.

So she became Helga, Mistress to the Stars; and got a small following. However, she realized soon that Germanic dommes were a cliché long over-cast in Hollywood. Clearly, new kinkiness had to be uncovered. Finally, it hit her. She could be her own North Dakotan self!

So our girl now re-cast herself as Kristen the Fearsome Dominatrix from North Dakota, after her favorite literary character (Kristen Lavransdatter)! And she wore cut-off Daisy Dukes. And was not sparing of the whip. And if her customer was especially naughty, she had her own punishment.


However, being the kind girl from Minot that she was deep down inside, she offered full bed and breakfast services with her treatment.

But, being a dominatrix, she couldn't resist: breakfast was a full Dakota farm breakfast, served at 4:30 A.M. With two full desserts!