Tuesday, January 31, 2012
FROM: North Dakota State Commission on Dullness
In response to your recent inquiry as to the activities of this Commission, I offer the following:
1. We have determined that our state should adopt hot dish as the official state dish.
2. UND and North Dakota State shall henceforth adopt school mascots that are nondescript animals or birds.
3. Hockey be outlawed; instead, television-watching should be encouraged.
4. Local building codes and covenants should emphasize that white is the proper coloring for houses.
5. Beverage outlets should adopt a two drinks' maximum.
6. The State of North Dakota should buy out all Victoria's Secret stores and convert them into long john outlets.
7. The legislature should adopt a dress code that stresses that loud ties, miniskirts, or Hawaiian shirts should not be worn while in session.
8. The state newspapers should cease to print the daily cartoons and horoscope.
9. The Legislature should pass a law outlawing plastic flamingoes, lawn jockeys, and fountains in front of houses.
10. The churches should brand the colors red and yellow to be sinful.
11. We declare Lawrence Welk to be the Official State Entertainer.
12. Bib overalls should be adopted as the Official State Unisex Clothing.
13. Church attendance as a way of keeping everyone Godly should be adopted too.
14. The state should consider a name change to "Best Dakota."
15. Rock music, dancing, and barbecue should be prohibited by law.
16. Minneapolis should be routinely regarded as "Sin City."
17. Cities should mandate a 10 PM. curfew.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
While there has been a tremendous amount of paper and printer's ink spent on discussing the flow of marijuana and other illegal drugs from Mexico to the United States, there has been precious little written about contraband flowing from another direction: Canada.
A little background. In 1992 Congress passed the Energy Policy and Conservation Act,which dictated that in the U.S. people had to buy 1.6-gallon toilets instead of the 3.5 gallon models that had been the standard. Unfortunately, the new, green, water-saving johnnies did not work very well when it came to dealing with Number Two. The result was that people had to flush several times instead of once. It became questionable as to whether there was any real savings. This was the result of dealing with four-flushers!
What was to be done to ensure a firm flush? There were two possibilities: (a) re-use old 3.5 gallon toilets from older houses; or (b) bring in a 3.5 gallon model from Canada. This became a big, going concern near Detroit, that hotbed of crime. It also became a smuggling concern in several other northern states, including North Dakota!
Once my Da needed to replace an old thunder mug with another; and instead of simply going to the store and getting an All-American 1.6 gallon version, he decided tto go road trip and bring one in from nearby Canada. Now, for you living in warmer America, us citizens living on the border have more frequent intercourse with Canada; with casual trips across the unguarded frontier through checkpoints and finding Canadian coins in our change that often gets used. [Stop thinking that!]
Anyway, he invited me along for a ride the following morning: a toilet-obtaining trip.The evening before our trip, by chance we watched an old movie called "Thunder Road," with Robert Mitchum playing a moonshiner, with romantic ballad title song. And my mind went into a thought: "Wow, we're doing something seriously illegal!"
Anyway, it was a nice, crisp day. We drove to Winnipeg and bought three new thrones [!]: one that he planned to install in the spare bathroom, and two for neighbors. We go in for civil disobedience in a big way here in North Dakota. I wonder if other states are also lawless?Anyway, we went back to the U.S. and go through the port of entry. The border guy asked Da if we were bringing back drugs or alcohol.
"What's in the truck bed?"
"Just some toilets."I cringed, expecting that we would get arrested. Do they put teens in prison for smuggling for many years? That so totally would screw up my prom
"Those Canadian ones?
"Yup."("Oh nuts We're done."
"Aww.......go awn through."
Apparently, some lawlessness falls below the official radar. And maybe that's an example of an in-he-field judgement call. If Congress is wrong-minded, right-thinking and practical people have to get things back on track. No one wants a floater lingering in a toilet in mid-summer!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
1. Newsweek cover, featuring a photograph of President Obama, has the caption "Why are Obama'a critics so dumb." I don't they'll sell a lot of copies in red states. Anyway, magazines do have a slant, and that's Newsweek's.
2. Maxim had a smaller caption: "Women who only want to have sex with you. How you can meet them." I doubt that any women's magazine could get away with a caption, "Men who only want to have sex with you. How you can meet them." Therein is the difference between men and women.
Ultimately, it's easier for a woman desirous of sex to find a obliging guy; but a guy wanting a roll in the hay has to look a bit for it.
“There’s a crimson banner flying
There’s a bloodstained flag unfurled
For the knights of Christ are marching
To the conquest of the world
There’s a brave white general leading
He has set their hearts aflame
And they’ll give their lifeblood freely
For the glory of his name
Won’t you answer ‘yes, I’m ready’
When they call the muster roll
Won’t you join the Holy Childhood
In its war for pagan souls.”
Apparently during the 1950's they solicited money from Catholic school children for the missions through the theory of ransoming pagan babies. This was done with a lot of social pressure, lest they spend their nickels and dimes on candy. Horrors! To sweeten the deal, the students got to choose the kid's name.
Who were these pagan baby vendors? What was the going rate?
Did any pagan baby get named Elvis? I think he was popular then.
The theme was very militaristic -- was this a product of the cold war?
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Do some people revel in being known as bitch?