Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Themes for Legislative Sessions

As I mentioned earlier, the spectacularly inert North Dakota legislature's recent session was nicknamed "The Bikini Wax Session" after one curious bit of action that they managed to pass.   But that gave me an idea: proms have themes; why can't sessions have them also. Accordingly, I have helpfully thought out some for the next several years. Now they can go to Bismarck, quickly pass on these, and spend the rest of the time pursuing happiness, North Dakota-style.
Consider these ideas as my having done my civic duty.
The Make-the-Moose-Wear-Ties Session

The Paint-the-Capital-in-Polka-Dots Session

The Make-Another-Stupid-State-Song Session

The Christmas-in-Hawaii Session

The Governor-in-a-Box Session

The We-Are-Better-Than-Montana-and-Far-Less-Crazy Session

The Invite-the-Backstreet-Boys Session

The Exile-in-Florida-and-Hangout-at-Hooters Session

The Dance-All-Night Session

The Legalize-Marijuana Session

The What-Do-We-Do-Next Session

The It's-a-Cold-Day-in-March-so-What-Else-Is-New Session

The Ugly-as-Homemade-Sin Session

The Lutherans-Who-Have-Discovered-Sin-and-Like-It-Session

The Carrion-Crow-Is-the-Official-State-Bird Session

The Thank-God-We're-Not-French Session

The We're-Honorary-Canadians Session

Was my use of the hyphens appropriate? I'm not really that interested in politics.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Congress Is Getting Dumber

You may have wondered from time to time at the antics of Congress.  Surely they cannot be as stupid as you think they are?

Well, there's some objective evidence that Congress has dropped a full grade in its language usage.  Currently, their speeches as taken from the Congressional Record and analyzed using the Fleisch-Kinmcaid method indicate that they sound like someone with a tenth grade achievement level -- a decline of a full year since the 1990's.  It is not known if this change is due to newer members being less verbasl, or Congress simply getting stupider or more lazy with time.

And you wonder why the galleries in the Capitol are not SRO?  Apparently, this decline is bipartisan -- the slightly higher language use levels by Democrats over Republicans are not statistically significant.  Someone got the best Congress money could buy.  But not me.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Some Horrendous Puns

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood , but it was a type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington is obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never fall in love with a tennis player because, to a tennis player, love means nothing.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Naturalized Citizen

She was really thinking.

What's more....She probably voted

The following is believed to be a funny and true story shared by K.C. Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.

In one of K.C.'s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple: the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating . .

''What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Saturday, May 12, 2012

At the Pussycat Dolls

The manager of Pussycat Dolls had to do a painful duty: he has to let one of his performers go.

"Roxie,  you come see me after your set."

Roxie performed, ultimatle removing all except for her g-string, and did intricate maneuvers on the pole.

After the show, she said, "You wanna see me?"

"Yes, Roxie.  I'm afraid we'll have to let you go."

"Huh?  Wuffo?  "Didn't I have those cool dances?"

"Yes, Roxie."

"And didn't I strip as far as allowed?"

"Yes on that too."

"And am I not a star on the pole?"

"You are."

"And my lap dances.  Any complaints?"


"So what's this fired shit."

"Well, Roxie, remember that we have a morals clause."

"Yes, so what?  I don't let the customers hump me.  I was strictly professional."

"Yes, but it's your moonlighting that caused complaints.  It seemed that, in addition to being a stripper, you also moonlighted at a newspaper, working as a columnist.  We run a respectable joint, and can't have that."

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

What to Do With a Dead Horse

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1.  Buying a stronger whip.
2.  Changing riders.
3.  Threatening the horse with termination.
4.  Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5.  Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6.  Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7.  Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
8.  Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
9.  Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
10.  Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
11.  Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
12.  Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
13.  Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
14.  Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
15.  Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

(author unknown)

Friday, May 4, 2012

Funny Michigan

It really helps to understand Michigan geography and what you can find there.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

New Drugs on the Market

St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.