Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Strippers Turning to Politics

One little-reported offshoot of the recession is the increasing need of those who depend on gratuities for their income to supplement their original income with alternative means. Case in point: strippers and pole dancers. At one time they could count on a very good cash flow; and live a true stripper's lifestyle.

Now it's important to remember that strippers do have overhead: the numerous costumes to be worn briefly during their performances, and a monthly tip for the bouncer where they perform.Given the limited education of most strippers, and the limits on where they can find alternate work, it is not surprising that some have gone into politics.

However, most voters who might vote for stripper candidates want theirs to be blonde. After all, don't blondes have more fun; and they want their pols to be fun!

"Being able to giggle is a plus, and a little nitrous oxide and peroxide and boob surgery and bam, I’m a viable candidate for the General Assembly! Of course I won’t let my kids watch,” said Gwendolyn Jones (D-Bismarck). "But I've got the foxy grandpa vote. All their friends in other districts are envious.”

Experience doesn’t seem to be a priority in the job description, according to Crystal Delight (R - Fargo) “It’s get on, get off, get paid," said this former stripper-turned politician."

The skills you learn by being a lap dancer in the pubic arena prepare you well for the public arena. You can manage in five minutes to make them believe you care about them and you’re done. But a question seems to have been answered: How well would the typical Flickertail state voter receive these former strippers into the political arena. One of the stripper political candidates, responding to a question by an elderly Methodist woman, answered that she would make a clean breast of her financial record for all to see. The Methodist lady then asked her, "Would you be wearing pasties?"

The candidate's response was, "It depends on the local laws in Bismarck."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hiring the New Pastor and the Bikini Wax Session

A church in the Midwest had an occasion to obtain a new pastor, and because several people in it had connections with the Bishop, they were allowed to review possible candidates. Unfortunately, many of them had negatives. Here are some summaries of the limitations of each:

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
Deborah: Female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. The Screening Committee found this last point to be especially troublesome.
Timothy: Too young.
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
The Selection Committee hopes to interview the final three candidates and hear trial sermons in the next three weeks.


Our present-day Congress may be described as do-nothing. All talk, no legislation. Bunch of wainkers!

A few years ago, we had a do-nothing session of the Legislative Assembly here in North Dakota. Now you probably heard nothing of this, as we're not an important state with few electoral votes, but they did accomplish something after all: they passed an act requiring the training and licensing of individuals doing bikini waxings. Now, let's put this in perspective: ND is perhaps the coldest state of the contiguous 48, and there's perhaps not as much demand for this service as Florida might require. But, they were able to rise fully for the occasion in this case.

The session become known as the Legislative Assembly's Bikini Wax Session. Now I'll leave you with that possibly disturbing thought.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Merry Christmas/Happy Hannakuh/Have an Okay Festivus

Ahhh.....It's the holidays...........time for rejoicing. The Christmas tree has metaporphed into various theme forms, all in the spirit of a creative way to express Merry Christmas.

Also, there must be something atavistic in women to express decorations using arboreal themes, as witness the egg tree, the bra tree, and the wax fruit tree motifs so often repeated. Here's a new variant which appeared in Bangkok: a Condom and cabbage tree. The person posing looks pleased. I wonder if its because condoms take the worry out of being close?

It's not likely that this type of tree will be displayed in Grand Forks.

Anyway, I hope you are enjoying the spirit and fact of the holidays. Marry Christmas/Happy Hannakuh/Happy Festivus/Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A New Development in Fashion

A Vietnamese student, Nguyen Minh Tuan, created a dress entirely made of condoms. He made the dress for his graduation project at Van Lang University in Ho Chi Minh City. He did this to publicize safe sex through the use of condoms, but he created fashion art as well. He is to be commended for this ground-breaking development as well as his art.

I think the model looks cute in it. It may not go over in a big way in Grand Forks, though. Maybe in Minneapolis. Maybe it can be worn with a camisole, as the condoms probably feel cool.

And, who knows, the wearer would be prepared just in case!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Change UND's Nickname

Okay, the agony has gone on long enough, there's a time to stop being stubborn. The North Dakota legislature didn't need to get into the act by passing legislation to counter the NCAA's requirement that UND replace its nickname from the Fighting Sioux to some P.C. team name!!

First off, the NCAA is a bunch of horses' asses: the Fighting Sioux is not offensive. The logo (above) is attractive and stalwart. not like the cartoonish one that the Cleveland Indians use. Also, the NCAA is selective. What about the Notre Dame Fighting Irish or the University of Louisiana at Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns? Where's the consistency? Maybe it's okay, if using a group in a team nickname constitutes ridiculing them, then is it okay to ridicule the Irish or the Cajuns??? But wait -- will U. of Illinois have to stop being the Illini, U. of Utah have to stop being the Utes, or Florida State stop being the Seminoles?

No, my response is strictly practical. the University of North Dakota is not going to win this one. Drawing a line in the sand is futile!!!

Still, nuts to the NCAA! Cut our losses, and come up with some hopefully noncorny team name,

Friday, November 25, 2011

More About Vodka and Tampons

A writer in The Huffington Post did an actual field test regarding the use of vodka in tampons. In a nutshell, he used herself as a subject. The effects may be overrated in terms of actually causing people to get high. In fact, using a tampon results in a lot of spillage and wet undies or flooring when it's inserted. However, the intrepid writer who tried it out under three different conditions indicated that it burned considerably when taken in that fashion.

For me? No thanks.


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Winter Blonde

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is John, it's winter in North Dakota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Another Use for Tampons

News reports from Phoenix suggest that teenagers are getting high by utilizing tampons which are soaked in vodka first before inserted in their vaginas. This method appears to be very effective due to the fact that the alcohol gets absorbed directly and quickly into the bloodstream without any barrier or stomach acid to mitigate its effects. A Super Tampon can hold the equivalent of a shot of vodka. Definitely, this can cause the user to walk funny!

This new kind of way of getting drunk is not limited to girls: guys find a similar success if they were to insert a vodka-soaked Tampon into their rectums. You might say that the vodka rectumed!

The esthetics of alcohol consumption are very primitive: straight spirits are used in the Tampons. No one administers herself a vaginally-absorbed screwdriver or piledriver or Harvey Wallbanger.

I'm exceedingly dubious about this. Not so much the fact, but the advisability of doing so. One's lady parts should be treated with more delicacy, and the long-range consequences of this unorthodox means of intaking alcohol are unknown.

The practice of doing this may have a consequence. Have you ever had to be checked out by a male cashier when you're buying Tampons? No imagine the look you would get if you buy both vodka and Tampons!

The teens in Phoenix have a misconception, though. Taking in alcohol in this manner does not foil the Breathanalyzer test!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

High Maintenance Bitch

A dog-related store in Seattle used a very edgy name which some locals objected to a few years ago when it opened. I think it was cute, myself. I don't know if it was female dogs only.

Maybe they went over the top with naming this product:

Or is that wishful thinking? What do you think? Or maybe we shouldn't go there.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

How We Talk in North Dakota

If you can't start a conversation without mentioning the weather . . .
If you say Uff-da and Fe-da . . .
If you understand ALL the uses of the word "Uff-Da" . . .
If a stiff wind means gas from a dead guy . . .
If you understand that "Yah y'betch yah" means either "I agree" or "You're full of it" and you know the difference . . .
If you think everyone from a different state has an accent . . .
If you can identify a Minnesota accent . . .
If you bake with soda and drink pop . . .
If you pronounce it Nor'Dakoda . . .
If you consider Spanish a foreign language . . .
If you routinely end sentences with prepositions, i.e., "Do you want to come with?" . . .
If you think someone from northern Indiana has a southern accent and wouldn't really know what winter is (we do; it's just that winter there is a 3-month season--as are spring and fall) . . .
If you say "uff-da" as an exclamation . . .
If you have ever said, "Cold weather keeps out the riff-raff" . . .
If you call the grass between the sidewalk and the curb a berm . . .

If your bikini was last worn while on Spring Break in Texas two years ago . . .
If you don't believe you sound like the actors in the movie Fargo . . .
If you state the obvious--"Oh, I see you are in town today" . . .

If you follow hockey and you're not Canadian . . .
If you regard Minneapolis as "Sin City" . . .

. . . then you must be from North Dakota.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

The Geography of Gluttony

Discover Magazine published a Gluttony map recently. The red zones on the U.S. map are those counties with the greatest density of fast food places per capita. Southern Texas, Coastal North Carolina, and Coastal Virginia are the densest; with Eastern Kentucky and Tennessee also big among those with the munchies.

The munchies are associated with you-know-what. Apparently, 4:20 comes often there.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

TSA as a Sex Coach

Apparently a female passenger had her bag inspected by a TSA Agent, and she/he left an inspection report with on offhand note on the side: GET YOR FREAK ON GIRL

An article in Gawker referred to the ambivalence of this missive: hilarious vs. Horrifying. Finally, it went with horrifying lite.

Duh, only a moron would have failed to remember that TSA does inspect some bags, and an alert agent apparently did so.

And, rather than getting on a high horse, the agent enclosed this supportive note. Is this part of the softer side of TSA?
Is TSA now to serve as surrogate sex coaches?

An unanswered question: was the TSA Agent who wrote this male or female? Straight or gay? I think we can take it as a given that the Agent was not a Fundamentalist.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Flight Attendants, Then and Now

One marker of how times have changed can be seen in the current television program Pan-Am. Obviously, the airframes have changed, and the pilots as well. However, since the program centers around a number of young, beautiful, sexily-dressed flight attendants, the nature of these service personnel is the topic here.

Apparently, this was at one time regarded as a glamorous occupation in which an attractive young woman could work in for several years before marrying, settling down, and having children. And at one time it was. The original flight attendants (called "stewardesses" at that time were selected to be young, and were usually terminated by the time they were in their early thirties. Frankly, they were selected because they hot!

However, things changed. Some of it was due to women's liberation. Some of it was due to the loss of glamor previously associated with this job: it was, all patina and romanticism aside, simply hard work and dealing sometimes with not-so-nice people. (Let's simply call them assholes.) Some have suggested that sexily-dressed attendants as inducements became less important as people more strongly responded to lower fares. And airline travel, once the province of the "jet setters," became more open to the proletariat.

Hot stewardesses from the 1960's showing as much leg as the law allows.

However, one airline, Trans-Am is trying mightily to fill in the gap with sexy flight attendants to fill the nostalgia market for the stewardesses of yore. Here's a group of Trans-Am attendants in training for their roles of houris of the air:

Trans-Am attendants in training.

So, gentle male readers: Happier days will soon be here again!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Geography of Lust

Lust was calculated by compiling the number of sexually transmitted diseases — HIV, AIDS, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea — reported per capita.
Minnesota and Iowa are definitely non-lustful, while the passions run hot in the Deep South and Southeastern states. Not surprisingly, Utah doesn't play.

Get a room, you Mississippians!

Fargo and Grand Forks, I'm sorry to say, do not fall among the great forkers, if the map is to be believed.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Plus-Sized Women and Sex

According to the results of a survey by FreeDating.co.uk, a British dating site, plus-sized women are more likely to put out on the first date, as compared to their slimmer sisters. Also, women who are medium drinkers, lovers of cars, and who are barflies also tend to have sex sooner. Bicyclists tend to be significantly less likely to have sex on the first date. Maybe their cycling makes them tired, and they turn in early. On the other hand, guy bicyclists, riding on those seats, may be both tireder and lower in testosterone as a result on the friction against the bicycle seat.

Can it be that larger women, in their anxiety to connect with guys, feel that they must play the sex card earlier in order to sustain the interest of the guys that they do date? They may also pursue guys through attendance at NASCAR events. To my way of thinking, considering the typical males in attendance, that is being desperate!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Taxing the Wealthy: Managing the Sale of the Idea

The latest proposal by President Obama to increase the taxes that the wealthy and corporations pay really is being poorly sold. The disclaimer that it isn't a shot in class warfare, but simple math somehow is not convincing.

It is class warfare: the middle class against the wealthy.

And the President is making a tactical error by that disclaimer.

In my opinion, what he needs to do is to reify the concept of the wealthy. Most of us know personally few people that are the rich. Having lived in Minot and living in Grand Forks does that. What are the wealthy like? We automatically think of some person like Mr. Lodge, with his spoiled daughter Veronica, as a prototype. But, unless we're Betty Cooper on her bad day, that doesn't work up much class envy. What the President needs to do to sell his tax bill is to identify who might be affected by this increase in taxes: Hollywood actors and producers, members of the U.S. Senate, NY Times Columnists (yes you, TF and PK!!!!), the penthouse cattle on HGTV's "Selling New York," various residents in Massachuetts, New York, and California, limousine liberals, Rush Limbaugh, Division I football and basketball coaches, NFL owners, college presidents, stockbrokers, bankers, the Kennedys, and so forth.

If he was to follow that approach, even most working conservatives, as opposed to trust fund babies, would leap up in support.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Tonight's the Night!

A college sorority was having an eveing discussion about intimate topics; and the topic of special interest was the frequency of getting The Feeling. That is, self-pleasuring.

"How many here," asked one girl, "do it more than once a day?" Five girls raised their hands.

"And how many do it once a day? Ten hands went up.

"How many twice a week?" Eight hands went up.

"Once a month?" Four hands were raised.

"And how may every six months? Three hands went up.

A girl in the back who was broadly smiling did not answer at any time, so the girl asking the questions asked her "How often did you pleasure yourself this year?"

"I get The Feeling only once a year."

The questioner was astonished, and asked her who she was so overjoyed about.

Flush with excitement, the girl said, ''Tonight's the night!''

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The F, M, K Game and Congress

This is a party game played at girls' parties after the celebrants have had a few drinks and are relaxed. It's also called F**k, Marry, Kill (sometimes abbreviated FMK). This is a forced choice game in which the player(s) are asked to assign a given group of three people into which ones they would like to have sex with, wed or murder respectively, and to explain why. The group most often consists of objects of the players' sexual interest. However, it has been also used when the choices are politicians, clergymen, television personalities, country singers, and the like.

Frankly, in order for this game to work, the players must be unhibited!

But my point. Could we play this game with Congresspersons or television commentators?

I can think of a lot of Congresspersons to fall in the "K" category; but filling the "F" and the "M" categories is much harder.

And what about political commentators? Where would James, Keith, and Bill fall?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Ole and Lena

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"


Later on, Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip, they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to."

So Ole drove to Duluth.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Selecting a Stripper Name

Becoming an erotic dancer is a dream for many girls, but is rarely actualized in fact. However, for those who have the stamina, vision and dedication for the long hours and practice with pole-dancing and disrobing routines, there may be a lot of loose fives and tens in your future.

The first step to becoming an erotic dancer is choosing a good stage name. Your nom-de-strip should be exciting alluring, and exotic; and as any professional dancer will tell you, classy. It may help you to understand by remembering that those types of names include those of fruit, cars and precious stones.

The Fruit Category: Not all fruits make good names for dancer. For instance, who wants to see some woman named Bananas or Apricot grinding on stage? Are you kidding? Only in Jersey, maybe. Select a cute name like Cherry or Peaches, and watch the money accumulate in your G-string.

The Car Category: A man’s two favorite hobbies -- fast cars and faster women -- provide you with great choices, if you do it right. The best car names are the really expensive ones like Porsche or Mercedes. Remember to stay away from American brands such as Mini Cooper or Dodge Aries K or Chevrolet. As stage names go, those suck.

The Precious stones Category: As a general rule the more expensive the stone, the better the stage name. No one will every get sick of names like Diamond, Sapphire, Ruby or Opal. Zircon or Mica: not so much.

If you really want to get creative, then try combining your real name with a defining characteristic. If your name starts with a B you have plenty of choices from Busty Brenda to Belinda Big Boobs. If your name starts with an M, try Mandy Mountains or Misty Mammaries.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Future Pole Dancer in Training

It is nice that some women do not let little bumps on the road such as child care get in the way of their desired career goals. Even though you might reside in Fargo, and have two children, you can still train for a lucrative career as a pole dancer.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

Mormons: Just one, after his wives have gotten on the school bus.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Location of the Farm

Government surveyors came to Ole’s farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time. The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter.”

Ole asked, “What is the bad news?”

The surveyors said, “Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota , but is actually in North Dakota !”

Ole looked at Lena and said, “That’s the best news I have heard in a long time! Why I just told Lena this morning, I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Romance Novel: Circa 2011

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . ..

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Three Ministers

Three ministers, a Methodist minister, a Presbyterian minister, and a Baptist minister were good friends though competiters; as were their wives. Unfortunately, due to a catastrophic bus accident, the three couples appeared together at the Pearly Gates and sought admittance.

The Methodist minister and his missus walked up and asked to come in. St. Peter said, “No, I can’t let you in.” The Methodist minister asked, “Why not?” St. Peter said, “You liked alcohol so much that you married a girl named Brandi.”

That couple walked away unhappy.

The Presbyterian minister and his wife walked up and asked to come in. St. Peter said, “I can’t let you in.” The Presbyterian minister also asked, “Why not?” St. Peter said, “You liked money so much you married a girl named Penny.”

They walked away unhappy also.

The Baptist minister then said to his wife, “No use in us going up there. Come on Fannie.”

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Texas Aggie Joke

Two Aggies bunk together at school and on a Sunday morning one decides he’s going to attend church. He leaves and is gone several hours. When he comes back he’s got two black eyes.

His roommate says to him, “Wow, what happened to you! I thought you were going to church.”

The other Aggie said, “I did go to church”.

His roommate looked confused. “But how did you get those two black eyes?”

“Well, it’s simple really. The church I decided to go to didn’t have air conditioning. So when the service got going, it was really hot in there and all of us were sweating up a storm. Then when we got up to sing the first hymn, I noticed the kinda big woman in front of me had her dress stuck up between her butt so I reached over and yanked it out!”

“Ohhhh,” said the Aggie roommate, “that explains one black eye, how’d you get the other one?”

“Well”, the beatup Aggie said, “After she hit me so hard I figured she must have wanted it there so I tucked it back in!”

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

White Lace Mini Dress and Panties

Most of the time, this is impractical in North Dakota! Both my boyfriend and my girlfriend love it, though!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A Delightful High School Prank

This was posted in a Carlmont High School in California. I wonder how many took it seriously?

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Worse Than a Clown

There was a young monk in China who was a very serious practitioner of the Dharma.

Once, this monk came across something he did not understand, so he went to ask the master.

When the master heard the question, he kept laughing. The master then stood up and walked away, still laughing.

The young monk was very disturbed by the master's reaction. For the next three days, he could not eat, sleep nor think properly. At the end of three days, he went back to the master and told the master how disturbed he had felt.

When the master heard this, he said, "Monk, do you know what your problem is? Your problem is that YOU ARE WORSE THAN A CLOWN!"

The monk was shocked to hear that, "Venerable Sir, how can you say such a thing?! How can I be worse than a clown?"

The master explained, "A clown enjoys seeing people laugh. You? You feel disturbed because another person laughed. Tell me, are u not worse than a clown?"

When the monk heard this, he began to laugh. He was enlightened.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Two Economists

An experienced economist and a not-so-experienced economist were walking down the road. They came across a pile of horse manure lying on the asphalt.

Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"

The not-so-experienced economist ran his optimization problem and figured out he's better off eating it so he did and collected the money.

Continuing along the same road they came across another pile of horse manure.

The not-so-experienced economist said, "Now, if YOU eat this I’ll give YOU $20,000."

After evaluating the proposal the experienced economist ate it and collected the money.

They went on. The not-so-experienced economist started thinking, "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate horse manure. I don't see us being better off."

The experienced economist replied, "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Inspection Desired

Maybe she could get a job as an official pecker checker. Will he be known as Little Willie, or what?

Actually, 5 inches doth suffice. Rest easy, dudes!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Real Meaning of Temperatures in North Dakota

Real Meaning of Temperatures in North Dakota

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. People in North Dakota plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in North Dakota sunbathe.

40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in North Dakota drive with the windows down.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in North Dakota gets thicker.

20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in North Dakota throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in North Dakota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. People in North Dakota close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico People in North Dakota get out their winter coats.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in North Dakota are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in North Dakota let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. North Dakotan's get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in North Dakota start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. North Dakota public schools will open 2 hours late.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

How to Kill a South Dakota Eel

Our neighbors to the south are a little dense. Here's a story to illustrate that.

Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."

"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Why Television Should Employ Homely Anchorettes

This is just in. Some recent research indicated that men remember less information when viewing sexually provocatively dressed television anchorettes than if they were viewing more professionally dressed female anchors. Women, on the other hand, are unaffected by the provocativeness of the anchor person's dress.

It would seem to me that, if the goal is to disseminate information, then there would be more over all success if homely anchorettes were used. However, if ratings are the motivators, then go with the hot chicks! Remember Mélissa Theuriau?

Just as an aside: Do lesbians remember less news content while viewing sexually attractive anchorettes? They should do research on this.

Grabe, M. E. & Samson, L. (forthcoming). Sexual cues emanating from the anchorette chair: Implications for perceived professionalism, fitness for beat, and memory for news. Communication Research

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Why Beer Is Better Than Religion

1. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

3. Beer has never caused a major war.

4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

9. You can prove you have a Beer.

10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Wager

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "Just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited."

"Well, Father," the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, Father." Replied the nun, "It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

The priest exclaimed, "What a very serious infraction! What did you do?"

The nun replied, "Well, I hit the ceiling, Father."

The Priest replied, "And how much did you win?"

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Do's and Don'ts of Maintaining Platonic Relationships

Do's and Don'ts of Maintaining a Platonic Friendship

DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your true feelings to him or her, whereupon you proceed directly to frenzied yet sensitive, passionate, and completely fulfilling love-making.
DO NOT actually attempt this.

DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
DO NOT ever actually give her or him the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why he/she does not pick up on them.)

DO listen to all her problems with men/women:
No matter how many times you have heard her/him make these same mistakes (with other men/women), DO NOT get so entranced by his/her soft, full lips that you lean forward for a kiss. (Fantasize about it instead.)

DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy

DO commiserate with your close friends. See who can come up with the most heinously painful story about "The Treatment." Shudder in unison.

DO NOT confide in any of your same-sex friends, because:
They won't understand.
They've done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
They'll think you are talking about them.
They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men/Brotherhood to Destroy All Women.
DO get drunk and maudlin about her /him.
DO NOT get drunk and confront her/him.

If you do reveal your true feelings while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl. unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
DO say how it would be such a big mistake if the two of you were to get together.
DO joke about it afterwards.
DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
DO NOT consciously avoid him/her for the next two weeks (avoid him/her unconsciously).

DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
DO NOT actually change.

DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her "love" or "your friend"
DO NOT pretend you are kissing her/him when you lick the envelope.

DO vacillate between fearing that he/she will discover how you feel about her and hoping that she/he does.
DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs
DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely and disavow everything)

Does that cover it?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Farm Girl Birth Control

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method."

"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.

Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should not work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A Multipurpose Coffee House in North Dakota.

Stores and businesses in small towns in the Northern Plains typically tend to be smaller, have limited stock, and may be multifunctional. The idea is to have as many reasons for a person to offer patronage as possible.

Marge always wanted to have a sophisticated coffee shop in which the locals could have a cup of coffee, discuss books, the arts, or politics -- maybe even having poetry recitals from time to time. However, Wolf's Breath, ND was not San Francisco, despite relative tolerance for gays and exotic foods.

To be candid, Marge's Coffee House was in the red.

However, Marge did some marketing research, and came up with some ideas for making her business more viable by being multipurpose. Adding a tanning parlor was already taken, as was a bait shop (not good in the winter, anyway.) However, several persons expressed a longing for visiting the sites in Minneapolis.

Now Marge got focus. No, not to add a fancy mini-mall or theatre, but something more fundamental to the North Dakota psyche: a strip joint.

Now, between 5 P.M. and 9 P.M. her neighbors could repair to Marge's and drink premium coffee and watch Wanda the Tassel Dancer or Gewn on the dance pole or Miranda from South Dakota to frump around the stage wearing (mercifully) some clothes. After all, Marge's was considered the minor league whan it came to burlesque!

And after 9 P.M.? Well, her customers would have to go home to watch the 10 P.M. News and be in bed by 10:30. Or maybe later, if the wife was willing.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Questions for People Who Have Time on Their Hands

A few minutes ago I proposed that people could waste a lot of time finding the answers to trivia, using whether there is a Hooters' restaurant in Paris as an example. I managed to think up a few more. Enjoy................

1. How many wearings does the typical pair of boxer shorts last?
2. Do they still make avocado-colored refrigerators?
3. What state has the largest percentage of NASCAR fans?
4. Who was Miss South Dakota in 1978?
5. Is it really true that a duck's quack cannot echo?
6. Is there a brewery that specializes in the feminist trade?
7. Can you purchase a stock-colored pink car of any manufacture?
8. Who is regarded as having the best barbecue in the country?
9. Where is the nearest place in Canada to Grand Forks that you can purchase a toilet that gives a good five-gallon flush? (no joke)
10. How many tons of trash is typically collected in New Orleans after the typical Mardi Gras?
11. How do you make a pasty? (The edible kind; aka a meat pie)
12. What kinds of decorations were used on U.S. and British planes during World War Two.
13. Are there any animal shelters that specialize in cats only?
14. What percentage of automobiles leak oil?
15. What is the most outrageous website? (a matter of opinion, obviously)
16. What are the lyrics to "Good News Week" by the Hedgehoppers Anonymous?
17. What cartoons did Dad watch back in the 1960's?
18. Where do they call it "soda," as opposed to "pop."
19. Who were all of the people to play James Bond?
20. What is the largest city without a website?