Tuesday, November 30, 2010

You Bet Your Ass

People dealing with the realities of entertainment in small towns, even with cable television, often have to become quite creative. In Horse's Butt, North Dakota the communal entertainment came in the form of a quiz program challenge. Now this included some features of The Price Is Right, Do You Want To Be a Millionaire, and that old Grocho Marx program, You Bet Your Life. In order to make it interesting, the game included four contestants competing for a small amount of prize money. However, each contestant would have to put up his or her mule or donkey, with the loser losing said animal. Hence the title, You Bet Your Ass.

This innocent rural pastime had only a small pool of potential participants; not many people own four-legged asses. Therefore, in order to increase participation, some aspects were modified. No one had to pony up a draft animal. Instead, at the end of the contest, the winner collected the small stipend, and the loser had to turn around, face the curtain, and lower his or her jeans, long johns, briefs or panties, and moon the audience.

The local Lutheran minister preached against this pagan practice, but it continued nonetheless. Entertainment is hard to come by in some places.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Notice of Meeting

The New Feminist Lutheran Lesbian Prayer Collective and New Age Glee Club will meet in the Fellowship Hall on Friday, October 26, 2010, at 7:30 P.M. Bring your prayer shawls and wear exercise clothes. A fruit cake will be auctioned off to benefit the missionaries in Chicago.

The New Feminist Lutheran Lesbian Prayer Collective and New Age Glee Club prides itself on making its own fruit cakes. These are actual edible fruit cakes (to the extent that one would eat a fruit cake) using homemade ingredients. The NFLLPC & NAGC is very traditionalist, and all turn out in their Sunday best jeans and motorcycle jackets for public meetings. Their sale is the social event of the season.

We appreciate the free lube jobs offered by Svenson and Son as an expression of solidarity with our cause.

Uff da!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Feline Tourism in North Dakota

Up to the present, feline tourism has neglected the fine sights of North Dakota.

1) Fat cats would definitely enjoy a visit to Bismarck, the State Capital. It is the only one named after a doughnut.
2) Hunting along the beautiful banks of the Souris river is always a winner, especially since the name means "mouse" in French.
3) Accordionists and others flock to Lawrence Welk's boyhood home in Strassburg.
4) The Geographical Center of North America is marked by a cairn just south of Rugby; and it in turn is marked by dogs.
5) Take part in the notorious catnip parties in Grand Forks just off the UND campus. Just ask one of the stoned cats to direct you to one.
6) Western North Dakota has (or is) the world's biggest sandbox. Go there, and affix a bumper sticker on your car to prove it!
7) Sleep in a bona fide missle silo.
8) For a Walk on the Wild Side, the Dove Linkhorns of the feline world may go to the cat houses of dissolute Fargo. Feline STDs at no extra charge!
9) Why not Minot? Let me count the ways..... There's October, November, December, January, February, March, April, and May.
10) Use the famed double-decker sandbox in Dickinson.
11) Take part in the North Dakota Cat Polkafest in Devil's Lake.
12) Visit the world's only Cat Pizzareia in Jamestown. Try their speciality, the mouse and sausage pizza.
13) Visit Theodore Roosevelt National Park and your mountain lion cousins. But if you can't run with the big cats, then stay on the porch!
14) The Chateau de Mores near Medora is another site to see. It was built by a disco king with a funny moustache.
15) George Armstrong Custer should have stayed at Fort Abraham Lincoln. You can visit the old place. Good mousing nearby.
16) Who much wood can a woodchuck chip when a woodchuck chips wood? Go to Fargo to find out, and also see the movie.
17) Visit the State Prison for Dogs at Medora and taunt our canine friends.
18) See the Gingras Trading Post if you're lost: it's out of the way to anything.
19) The Museum of Cat Art in Williston features paintings by Louis Wain and Edouard Manet.
20) No bull! Visit the Sitting Bull Monument.
21) Peggy Lee came from somewhere in North Dakota; I wish I knew where.
22) See the UND Sioux whip up on NDSU and USD each year! Go, Sioux!!
23) Drive ultrafast on the interstate in western North Dakota.
24) For those with a craving for the exotic, there's Winnipeg -- just north of North Dakota.
25) Admire our high-rise State Capitol and Grain Silo (in Bismarck).

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Peeper and I

At night a few years ago, as I was undressing in front of my bedroom mirror, I noticed one of the neighboring guys eyeing me through his partially-open curtain. As he was a harmless dork, and therefore not to be worried about, I did not suffer from the normal feelings of being put upon, violated, tresspassed, or such that you might feel upon discovery that you are the focus of voyeuristic attentions.

I read that guys who do this are intimidated by women; but that somehow they come to regard their being able to peek surreptiously gives them a quasi-dominance over the person they are viewing. (Understandably, I was curious; but did not take much psychology.) I reasoned that, if I were aware of the situation, and permitted him to do so up to a point, I would in fact be imposing dominance over him! It would be even more sensuous if he was unaware of the fact that I was aware of him!

Anyway, on some nights, my curtain would be drawn. On others, it would be open and I would grant him a performance. When I was in the mood, I would treat him to my shaving my legs (a summertime vanity only in North Dakota) or taking off my blouse or t-shirt and bra. When I was feeling very kind, I would walk around in my panties before my shower after having performed a mild strip-tease act.

I would occasionally encounter him in a coffee shop during the day, and pass some mild greeting to him, as a mild encouragement, should he work up his nerve. He didn't; he was as harmless as a lamb.

I don't think he ever caught on; and he was quite regular for several months. However, when the weather got too cold, he stopped.

I guess peeping is a summertime activity in North Dakota. Maybe when the geese remigrate north, he will reappear.
I wonder how much he suspects I know.