Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
How to Kill a South Dakota Eel
Our neighbors to the south are a little dense. Here's a story to illustrate that.
Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."
"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."
Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."
"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Why Television Should Employ Homely Anchorettes
This is just in. Some recent research indicated that men remember less information when viewing sexually provocatively dressed television anchorettes than if they were viewing more professionally dressed female anchors. Women, on the other hand, are unaffected by the provocativeness of the anchor person's dress.
It would seem to me that, if the goal is to disseminate information, then there would be more over all success if homely anchorettes were used. However, if ratings are the motivators, then go with the hot chicks! Remember Mélissa Theuriau?
Just as an aside: Do lesbians remember less news content while viewing sexually attractive anchorettes? They should do research on this.
Grabe, M. E. & Samson, L. (forthcoming). Sexual cues emanating from the anchorette chair: Implications for perceived professionalism, fitness for beat, and memory for news. Communication Research
It would seem to me that, if the goal is to disseminate information, then there would be more over all success if homely anchorettes were used. However, if ratings are the motivators, then go with the hot chicks! Remember Mélissa Theuriau?
Just as an aside: Do lesbians remember less news content while viewing sexually attractive anchorettes? They should do research on this.
Grabe, M. E. & Samson, L. (forthcoming). Sexual cues emanating from the anchorette chair: Implications for perceived professionalism, fitness for beat, and memory for news. Communication Research
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Why Beer Is Better Than Religion
1. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.
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