Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hiring the New Pastor and the Bikini Wax Session

A church in the Midwest had an occasion to obtain a new pastor, and because several people in it had connections with the Bishop, they were allowed to review possible candidates. Unfortunately, many of them had negatives. Here are some summaries of the limitations of each:

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
Deborah: Female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. The Screening Committee found this last point to be especially troublesome.
Timothy: Too young.
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
The Selection Committee hopes to interview the final three candidates and hear trial sermons in the next three weeks.


Our present-day Congress may be described as do-nothing. All talk, no legislation. Bunch of wainkers!

A few years ago, we had a do-nothing session of the Legislative Assembly here in North Dakota. Now you probably heard nothing of this, as we're not an important state with few electoral votes, but they did accomplish something after all: they passed an act requiring the training and licensing of individuals doing bikini waxings. Now, let's put this in perspective: ND is perhaps the coldest state of the contiguous 48, and there's perhaps not as much demand for this service as Florida might require. But, they were able to rise fully for the occasion in this case.

The session become known as the Legislative Assembly's Bikini Wax Session. Now I'll leave you with that possibly disturbing thought.


  1. Ewwww....legislators bearing all for a bikini wax!

  2. Great joke; funny story about the do-nothing legislature.

  3. If Congress took up similar bikini wax legislation, conservative Republicans would be against it, liberal Democrats would be for it, and by the time the legislation came out of committee, it would be an unsatisfying compromise that legalized only landing strips. After the vote, the Republicans would renege on their vote and insist on returning it to committee, where it would end up passing by a ... hair.

  4. A full Brazilian is what they need!