Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Choosing a North Dakota Mistress

Men have their needs but they are sometimes tempered by folly. For example, many men might aspire to have a beautiful French or Italian mistress: sophisticated, passionate, but a trifle impractical and both are definitely high-maintenance. Also, the cultural gap can be formidable: they are socialized into eating strange foods and speaking incomprehensible languages, they are too thin for heavy work, and are addicted to designer clothes from Paris or Milan.
In my humble opinion they should seek someone closer to home to fill this need for a trophy mistress. What else should they look but in beautiful North Dakota, where exotic mistresses are currently available for all needs? Your chosen North Dakotan lady friend would be, of course, skilled in the arts of coquetry and seduction. Think of the envy you provoke in others when you appear at opening night for the Tyrone Guthrie Theatre in Minneapolis with her wearing a bright red décollété gown and practically spilling out of it! (Even more so when the two of you make the Lutheran services on Sunday.)

And you can take her to restaurants you would rather go: Denny's or the Red Lobster, rather than some overpriced restaurant where you would eat questionable substances such as escargot or calamari. She would willingly go with you to the Talladega 500 or other premier cultural events and behave with the proper savoir faire, and not reflect ill on your taste.

Of course, you would have to make allowances: sweat suits or long johns are more practical for Great Plains winter wear than is a negligee. (Victoria's Secret should come out with a line of seductive long johns for such situations.) But, after an evening of wanton abandonment, she will get up and fix you a fine dinner of hamburger steak, macaroni and cheese, broccoli, corned bread, and two kinds of pies so that your batteries may quickly be charged.

You would not have to worry about the language barrier, either, other than her saying "yah" or a few other expressions. So, guys, now's the time to seek out that very special cutie from North Dakota: the state that gave us Peggy Lee, Lawrence Welk, Angie Dickinson, and Louis L'Amour! Think of the advantages: having a big, strong, practical girl from the Heartland of America who can drive a tractor or combine and encourage you to eat lutefisk.


  1. Great tongue in cheek. It is, isn't it?

  2. I agree. What good is a mistress who can't also drive a tractor?