Memo from the State Commission on Dullness

TO: The Governor of North Dakota


FROM: North Dakota State Commission on Dullness



In response to your recent inquiry as to the activities of this Commission, I offer the following:

1. We have determined that our state should adopt hot dish as the official state dish.

2. UND and North Dakota State shall henceforth adopt school mascots that are nondescript animals or birds.

3. Hockey be outlawed; instead, television-watching should be encouraged.

4. Local building codes and covenants should emphasize that white is the proper coloring for houses.

5. Beverage outlets should adopt a two drinks' maximum.

6. The State of North Dakota should buy out all Victoria's Secret stores and convert them into long john outlets.

7. The legislature should adopt a dress code that stresses that loud ties, miniskirts, or Hawaiian shirts should not be worn while in session.

8. The state newspapers should cease to print the daily cartoons and horoscope.

9. The Legislature should pass a law outlawing plastic flamingoes, lawn jockeys, and fountains in front of houses.

10. The churches should brand the colors red and yellow to be sinful.

11. We declare Lawrence Welk to be the Official State Entertainer.

12. Bib overalls should be adopted as the Official State Unisex Clothing.

13. Church attendance as a way of keeping everyone Godly should be adopted too.

14. The state should consider a name change to "Best Dakota."

15. Rock music, dancing, and barbecue should be prohibited by law.

16. Minneapolis should be routinely regarded as "Sin City."

17. Cities should mandate a 10 PM. curfew.

Smuggling Toilets

While there has been a tremendous amount of paper and printer's ink spent on discussing the flow of marijuana and other illegal drugs from Mexico to the United States, there has been precious little written about contraband flowing from another direction: Canada.

A little background. In 1992 Congress passed the Energy Policy and Conservation Act,which dictated that in the U.S. people had to buy 1.6-gallon toilets instead of the 3.5 gallon models that had been the standard. Unfortunately, the new, green, water-saving johnnies did not work very well when it came to dealing with Number Two. The result was that people had to flush several times instead of once. It became questionable as to whether there was any real savings. This was the result of dealing with four-flushers!

What was to be done to ensure a firm flush? There were two possibilities: (a) re-use old 3.5 gallon toilets from older houses; or (b) bring in a 3.5 gallon model from Canada. This became a big, going concern near Detroit, that hotbed of crime. It also became a smuggling concern in several other northern states, including North Dakota!

Once my Da needed to replace an old thunder mug with another; and instead of simply going to the store and getting an All-American 1.6 gallon version, he decided tto go road trip and bring one in from nearby Canada. Now, for you living in warmer America, us citizens living on the border have more frequent intercourse with Canada; with casual trips across the unguarded frontier through checkpoints and finding Canadian coins in our change that often gets used. [Stop thinking that!]

Anyway, he invited me along for a ride the following morning: a toilet-obtaining trip.The evening before our trip, by chance we watched an old movie called "Thunder Road," with Robert Mitchum playing a moonshiner, with romantic ballad title song. And my mind went into a thought: "Wow, we're doing something seriously illegal!"

Anyway, it was a nice, crisp day. We drove to Winnipeg and bought three new thrones [!]: one that he planned to install in the spare bathroom, and two for neighbors. We go in for civil disobedience in a big way here in North Dakota. I wonder if other states are also lawless?Anyway, we went back to the U.S. and go through the port of entry. The border guy asked Da if we were bringing back drugs or alcohol.

"Nope."

"What's in the truck bed?"

"Just some toilets."I cringed, expecting that we would get arrested. Do they put teens in prison for smuggling for many years? That so totally would screw up my prom

"Those Canadian ones?

"Yup."("Oh nuts We're done."

"Aww.......go awn through."

Apparently, some lawlessness falls below the official radar. And maybe that's an example of an in-he-field judgement call. If Congress is wrong-minded, right-thinking and practical people have to get things back on track. No one wants a floater lingering in a toilet in mid-summer!

Limerick

There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train,
There was a young porter
Who saw more than he oughter,
And asked her to do it again.

Provocative Magazine Covers

Two provocative magazine covers caught my eye today; mags that I don't ordinarily read:

1. Newsweek cover, featuring a photograph of President Obama, has the caption "Why are Obama'a critics so dumb." I don't they'll sell a lot of copies in red states. Anyway, magazines do have a slant, and that's Newsweek's.

2. Maxim had a smaller caption: "Women who only want to have sex with you. How you can meet them." I doubt that any women's magazine could get away with a caption, "Men who only want to have sex with you. How you can meet them." Therein is the difference between men and women.
Ultimately, it's easier for a woman desirous of sex to find a obliging guy; but a guy wanting a roll in the hay has to look a bit for it.

A Song to Ransom Pagan Babies To

My parents told me about this one:

“There’s a crimson banner flying
There’s a bloodstained flag unfurled
For the knights of Christ are marching
To the conquest of the world
There’s a brave white general leading
He has set their hearts aflame
And they’ll give their lifeblood freely
For the glory of his name
Won’t you answer ‘yes, I’m ready’
When they call the muster roll
Won’t you join the Holy Childhood
In its war for pagan souls.”

Apparently during the 1950's they solicited money from Catholic school children for the missions through the theory of ransoming pagan babies. This was done with a lot of social pressure, lest they spend their nickels and dimes on candy. Horrors! To sweeten the deal, the students got to choose the kid's name.

Who were these pagan baby vendors? What was the going rate?

Did any pagan baby get named Elvis? I think he was popular then.

The theme was very militaristic -- was this a product of the cold war?

What We're Like in North Dakota IV

We have an interesting local cuisine.

What We're Like in North Dakota III

We don't have a lot of trailer trash.

Perfume

This perfume mystifies me. Why would anyone want to implicitly declare herself a bitch by wearing it? And, if it's intended as a gift, the message it sends is very strong. As a matter of fact, a gift like this is a practical guarantee for an argument or that the giver will never have sex with the one he or she gives it to.

Do some people revel in being known as bitch?

What We're Like in North Dakota II

We have a lively musical heritage.

What We're Like in North Dakota I

We don't worship idols in North Dakota.

[This is a modest list of things about my home state for your edification and enjoyment.

Where to Live?

You can live in the Midwest where…

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You can Live in Minnesota where…

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. You meet a future lover at a family reunion.

You can Live in Los Angeles, California where…

1.. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can live in New York City where…

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3.You think Central Park is "nature,"

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Texas where…..

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in New England where.....

1. Saying more than four sentences at a time is referred to as "talking too much."

2. You don't necessrily approve of the country on the other side of the Hudson River.

3. You root for the Sox, the Broons, and the Pats.

4. You consider the yearly trip to Florida to be a necessity.

5. You can say, "I must get scrod" and no one thinks you are desperate.