TO: The Governor of North Dakota
FROM: North Dakota State Commission on Dullness
In response to your recent inquiry as to the activities of this Commission, I offer the following:
1. We have determined that our state should adopt hot dish as the official state dish.
2. UND and North Dakota State shall henceforth adopt school mascots that are nondescript animals or birds.
3. Hockey be outlawed; instead, television-watching should be encouraged.
4. Local building codes and covenants should emphasize that white is the proper coloring for houses.
5. Beverage outlets should adopt a two drinks' maximum.
6. The State of North Dakota should buy out all Victoria's Secret stores and convert them into long john outlets.
7. The legislature should adopt a dress code that stresses that loud ties, miniskirts, or Hawaiian shirts should not be worn while in session.
8. The state newspapers should cease to print the daily cartoons and horoscope.
9. The Legislature should pass a law outlawing plastic flamingoes, lawn jockeys, and fountains in front of houses.
10. The churches should brand the colors red and yellow to be sinful.
11. We declare Lawrence Welk to be the Official State Entertainer.
12. Bib overalls should be adopted as the Official State Unisex Clothing.
13. Church attendance as a way of keeping everyone Godly should be adopted too.
14. The state should consider a name change to "Best Dakota."
15. Rock music, dancing, and barbecue should be prohibited by law.
16. Minneapolis should be routinely regarded as "Sin City."
17. Cities should mandate a 10 PM. curfew.