Choosing a North Dakota Mistress

Men have their needs but they are sometimes tempered by folly. For example, many men might aspire to have a beautiful French or Italian mistress: sophisticated, passionate, but a trifle impractical and both are definitely high-maintenance. Also, the cultural gap can be formidable: they are socialized into eating strange foods and speaking incomprehensible languages, they are too thin for heavy work, and are addicted to designer clothes from Paris or Milan.
In my humble opinion they should seek someone closer to home to fill this need for a trophy mistress. What else should they look but in beautiful North Dakota, where exotic mistresses are currently available for all needs? Your chosen North Dakotan lady friend would be, of course, skilled in the arts of coquetry and seduction. Think of the envy you provoke in others when you appear at opening night for the Tyrone Guthrie Theatre in Minneapolis with her wearing a bright red décollété gown and practically spilling out of it! (Even more so when the two of you make the Lutheran services on Sunday.)

And you can take her to restaurants you would rather go: Denny's or the Red Lobster, rather than some overpriced restaurant where you would eat questionable substances such as escargot or calamari. She would willingly go with you to the Talladega 500 or other premier cultural events and behave with the proper savoir faire, and not reflect ill on your taste.

Of course, you would have to make allowances: sweat suits or long johns are more practical for Great Plains winter wear than is a negligee. (Victoria's Secret should come out with a line of seductive long johns for such situations.) But, after an evening of wanton abandonment, she will get up and fix you a fine dinner of hamburger steak, macaroni and cheese, broccoli, corned bread, and two kinds of pies so that your batteries may quickly be charged.

You would not have to worry about the language barrier, either, other than her saying "yah" or a few other expressions. So, guys, now's the time to seek out that very special cutie from North Dakota: the state that gave us Peggy Lee, Lawrence Welk, Angie Dickinson, and Louis L'Amour! Think of the advantages: having a big, strong, practical girl from the Heartland of America who can drive a tractor or combine and encourage you to eat lutefisk.

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"Peace is our Profession"

The Lutefisk Conspiracy

The extent of this cynical plot is not widely known throughout the USA because it is seemingly isolated in Minnesota, North Dakota, and Wisconsin. However, the conspirators have been plotting to undermine our lives by foisting off on an unsuspecting public an inedible substance, lutefisk. One cannot attend a covered dish supper in those beknighted regions without encountering this vile substance. Consider all of the wonderful cuisine of the region: boiled cabbage, corn bread, Swedish meat balls, pancakes, three bean salad; why do these seemingly respectable Lutheran housewives produce such a noxious dish?

I have a theory; let me know what you think of this. Lutefisk is a regional joke played on tourists and other visitors like Haggis in Scotland or grits in the South. No one locally really eats lutefisk any more than Scots eat haggis or Southerners eat grits: they make it to play a morbid prank on unsuspecting tourists.

Now I am researching the rumors regarding scrod and calamari. When I first heard of the former, I thought that I had received an indecent proposal. As for the latter, I decided that I have no quarrel with relatives of the octopi.

A Modest Proposal for a State Name Change

It's been suggested from time to time that the state of North Dakota be simply known as 'Dakota.' This would produce an instant rise in average temperature of twelve degrees. The state would save some as-yet-undermined amount of money through reduced printing costs, and tourism will flourish as International travelers come to this new destination.

Hipness will suddenly reign. No longer will Jared Fogle making an appearance be what the national media reports as N. D. news. No, No Dice any more . The Grand Forks branch of Victoria's Secret will not primarily stock lurid red violet long johns, small towns will not be beset with maurading turkeys, and 'Fever' will not be required daily fare on the radio right after the swine report.

Look for the Bismarck fashion scene to be reported on Style. And the Minot Film Festival attracting all the beautiful people from as far away as Paris or Tokyo. And the neat little bistros on the main drag! Yes, good peeps, we will have it all. What's in a name? A bunch, you betcha!

What about South Dakota? Well, they seem to be happy in their southness since 1889: they can retain their own name. Or, they might want to throw their lot with their newly emergent progressive neighbors to the north! Let's stretch out a neighborly hand to aid them. Besides, we need a Riviera for the Dakotatrash to hang out, gamble, and wear skimpy Lutheran bikini swim suits!

On the other hand, we have the sterling example of the PRNK. North Korea, under the leadership of Dear Leader Kim Il-Jong, often styles itself "Best Korea.'

Now that's an alternative idea. Best Dakota. I like it.

Professor Renfroe, Guerilla Botanist

One of the more eccentric professors at a North Dakotan state university was known for two things: his almost reflexive championing of radical causes, and his penchant for seeking out the exotic in horticulture. With regard to radical causes, he was a card-carrying member of Citizens for Fair Play to Quebec, the Antinudist Foundation, the Know Damn Little Party, Marxists for Christ, the Anti-Designated Hitter Rule Society, the Prairie Dog Antidiscrimination League, and others. And his forays into botany were well-known. He singlehandedly developed the cold-weather resistant form of kudzu, the snapless snap bean, winter-resistant strains of ragweed, and other strains of plant life!

However, everyone was dumbfounded at his latest idea: to develop a strain of bananas that could be grown in North Dakota! Now several old-timers remember a song that states that you cannot put bananas in a refrigerator, so they assumed that refrigerator storage was the objective of his efforts.

It was more sinister than that.

Professor Renfroe was a member of a dissident group that south North Dakota independence. Now, no one should be surprised, as the good Dr. Renfroe could be expected to champion the most bizarre of ideas! So, how did developing a cold-resistant strain of banana trees come into this scheme?

It's simple. He wanted North Dakota to be the northernmost of the banana republics. And he figured that there would be a heavy export market to Chicago: there the politicians are always monkeying around!

The Dominatrix from North Dakota

Cynthia was determined to make it big in L.A. despite being a P.E. major from North Dakota. Admittedly, coming from there provided a distinct disadvantage; after all, what associations do people in entertainent make when they think of North Dakota? Yes, Peggy Lee, Roger Maris, and Lawrence Welk. Now it's hard when the most famous resident of your state is named after a shell! However, she felt that she had the talent, grit, and beauty to make it in Tinseltown.

Now, in order to make ends meet, she strayed to the seamier side of making a living, temporarily. However, she failed spectacularly as a pole dancer and as a tassel dancer. Once, she briefly served as a bouncer! How low could she stray? Now it so happened that one of the more dissolute agents she happened to call on suggested that, given her Brunhildesque proportions, she could obtain gainful employment as a dominatrix!

Her figure was helped by her avocation: Cynthia loved to cook back-home North Dakota food. She was considered an expert chef back home.

Now Cynthia did not know anything about the dominance-submission trade; but an afternoon on the internet opened up her eyes as to its possibilities. First, she noted that dominatrixes tended to be exotic, or at least present themselves as exotic. Having the right costume was important; and she had to position herself well. Especially often-found was Teutonic exotic dominatrixes. There's something about German girls, maybe, that brings out the reflexive submissiveness in Hollywood types.

And she purchased the necessary boots, rubber garments, whips, chains, handcuffs, and gags. It was clearly a big capital expense.

So she became Helga, Mistress to the Stars; and got a small following. However, she realized soon that Germanic dommes were a cliché long over-cast in Hollywood. Clearly, new kinkiness had to be uncovered. Finally, it hit her. She could be her own North Dakotan self!

So our girl now re-cast herself as Kristen the Fearsome Dominatrix from North Dakota, after her favorite literary character (Kristen Lavransdatter)! And she wore cut-off Daisy Dukes. And was not sparing of the whip. And if her customer was especially naughty, she had her own punishment.

Lutefisk.

However, being the kind girl from Minot that she was deep down inside, she offered full bed and breakfast services with her treatment.

But, being a dominatrix, she couldn't resist: breakfast was a full Dakota farm breakfast, served at 4:30 A.M. With two full desserts!