Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
The Italian Lover
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing
at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his
apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he
rattled her senseless.After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So,
you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This
time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex
finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer
to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his
strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back,
gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly
and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian."
Friday, November 23, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Dirty Tom Swifites
"This is too stimulating!" Tom ejaculated.
"Orgasms aren't a big deal," Mary said anticlimactically.
"Tonight's just not my night," said Tom limply.
"Masturbating this way makes me gasp," Tom cried jerkingly.
"I forgot to make Tom use a condom," Mary whispered pregnantly.
"I'm not physically attracted to women," Tom said gaily.
"Please remove your hand from my bra," Mary tittered.
"Let me get a harness and leash," Tom said fetchingly.
"I get turned on by female ejaculation," Mary gushed.
"After we fuck, I feel so empty," Tom said vacuously.
"I didn't enjoy John Wayne Bobbitt's movie," Mary remembered.
"I need to see more than one person," Tom said unsteadily.
"I want both Greg and Gary in my bed," Mary said gregariously.
"I made it with a girls' softball team," Tom said asininely.
"Orgasms aren't a big deal," Mary said anticlimactically.
"Tonight's just not my night," said Tom limply.
"Masturbating this way makes me gasp," Tom cried jerkingly.
"I forgot to make Tom use a condom," Mary whispered pregnantly.
"I'm not physically attracted to women," Tom said gaily.
"Please remove your hand from my bra," Mary tittered.
"Let me get a harness and leash," Tom said fetchingly.
"I get turned on by female ejaculation," Mary gushed.
"After we fuck, I feel so empty," Tom said vacuously.
"I didn't enjoy John Wayne Bobbitt's movie," Mary remembered.
"I need to see more than one person," Tom said unsteadily.
"I want both Greg and Gary in my bed," Mary said gregariously.
"I made it with a girls' softball team," Tom said asininely.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Lame South Dakota Jokes
Q: Why do ducks fly over South
Dakota upside down?
A: There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in South Dakota?
A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: What's the most popular pick up line in South Dakota?
A: Nice tooth!
Q: Why do folks from South Dakota go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 17 and under are not admitted.
Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in South Dakota?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
Q: Why did South Dakota raise the minimum drinking age to 25?
A: They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Q: How can you tell if someone in South Dakota is married?
A: The tobacco spit stains are on both sides of his pickup truck.
Q: Why do University of South Dakota grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of South Dakota campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of South Dakota library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: What does the average University of South Dakota student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How many University of South Dakota freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in South Dakota?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the South Dakota campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned in South Dakota?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What's the difference between a South Dakota grad and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in South Dakota?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the South Dakota grad die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What is the definition of a South Dakota virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..
Q: What do they call students who go to University of South Dakota?
A: Rejects from University of North Dakota!
Q: What's the difference between a South Dakota basketball player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: How many South Dakota grads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of a South Dakota grad's life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a South Dakota native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q. What's the first thing an South Dakota girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call a South Dakota grad with a job?
A: A liar!
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in South Dakota?
A: No one would look for them.
A: There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in South Dakota?
A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: What's the most popular pick up line in South Dakota?
A: Nice tooth!
Q: Why do folks from South Dakota go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 17 and under are not admitted.
Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in South Dakota?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
Q: Why did South Dakota raise the minimum drinking age to 25?
A: They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Q: How can you tell if someone in South Dakota is married?
A: The tobacco spit stains are on both sides of his pickup truck.
Q: Why do University of South Dakota grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of South Dakota campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of South Dakota library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: What does the average University of South Dakota student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How many University of South Dakota freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in South Dakota?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the South Dakota campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned in South Dakota?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What's the difference between a South Dakota grad and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in South Dakota?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the South Dakota grad die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What is the definition of a South Dakota virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..
Q: What do they call students who go to University of South Dakota?
A: Rejects from University of North Dakota!
Q: What's the difference between a South Dakota basketball player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: How many South Dakota grads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of a South Dakota grad's life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a South Dakota native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q. What's the first thing an South Dakota girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call a South Dakota grad with a job?
A: A liar!
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in South Dakota?
A: No one would look for them.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Let's Spruce Up Arrest Photographs!
Unfortunately, arrest photographs seem almost always to show the person photographed looking angry, bewildered, and stupid, not to mention looking like they're intoxicated or using serious illegal drugs! And they always seem to look like they smell bad!
Here's an example from Florida to illustrate my point:
http://www.floridatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/gallery?Site=a9&Date=20120825&Category=crime03&ArtNo=208250801&Ref=ph&Item=0&odyssey=mod|mostpopphotos
Now I know that Florida is five-star when it comes to weirdness; only California comes close. But I must say that arrest photographs is one of those areas in which the glaring inequality of opportunity is so evident. In a modern, liberal, tolerant society, we must be more sensitive to this sort of problem.
Why is it that some highly affluent and well-connected individuals appear neat and composed in their mug shots, while the less well off look so rough? I think that we would go some ways on our path of ensuring social equality in our society if we would make hair styling, a makeover, and possibly cosmetic surgery an entitlement. Actually, this not a far-fetched notion. Psychological research has shown that beautiful offenders tend to be quantitatively punished less severely than their homlier fellow offendees. This is stark inequality, to say the least! Think of what an improvement in self-esteem would follow, if our government would make this a right enjoyed by all arrestees.
Fashion and Hair Styling Equality: Its time has come!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Free Pussy Riot!
Victims of Oppression in Russia.
Putin the Terrible must go!
Putin Lights Up the Fire
Pussy Riot
This state may be stronger than time in jail.
The more arrests, the happier it is.
Every arrest is carried out with love for the sexist
Who botoxed his cheeks and pumped his chest and abs.
But you can't nail us in the coffin.
Throw off the yoke of former KGB!
Putin is lighting the fires of revolution
He's bored and scared of sharing silence with the people
With every execution: the stench of rotten ash
With every long sentence: a wet dream
The country is going, the country is going into the streets boldly
The country is going, the country is going to bid farewell to the regime
The country is going, the country is going, like a feminist wedge
And Putin is going, Putin is going to say goodbye like a sheep
Arrest the whole city for May 6th
Seven years isn't enough, give us 18!
Forbid us to scream, walk and curse!
Go and marry Father Lukashenko
F-U Vladimir Putin!!!!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Amazing Fashion Moments
Let us celebrate fashion that stretches the limits.
 |
| Taking casual to the limits. |
 |
| Minimalist bride. |
 |
| Ultimately, modesty meets a South Dakota fashion statement. |
 |
| Halloween wear for the supermodels. |
 |
| An engineer or lost an election bet? |
 |
| Backless fashions, you're doing it wrong. |
 |
| Superhero in need of a superjob. |
 |
| Madama Butterfly. |
 |
| Groomsmen praying that the laws of gravity have not been repealed. |
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| Nice, in a way. |
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Blaming Syphilis On the Other Guy
In the early part of the sixteenth century, a new disease spread like wildfire in Europe. This was syphilis, a sexually-transmitted disease. It was especially virulent, and was sometimes called the Great Pox, a distinction from smallpox.
Europeans blamed neighboring peoples as the source of the disease: the French disease, the English disease, etc.
And, of course, condoms were referred to later as 'French letters.'
If condoms were not used, the offspring were called 'bastards.'
Europeans blamed neighboring peoples as the source of the disease: the French disease, the English disease, etc.
And, of course, condoms were referred to later as 'French letters.'
If condoms were not used, the offspring were called 'bastards.'
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Sin City, Part Two
Having reviewed the various claimants to the title of 'Sin City' recently, we now have to explore our various options in Eastern North Dakota/Western Minnesota. Let's face it, if people from the coasts think of our neck of the plains at all, 'sin city' does not come easily to mind. Therefore, any touristy initiatives into this area need careful consideration.
First of all, this calls for an occasion for the various cities to pool their resources and develop the infrastructure for whatever vices we choose to adopt as our specialty. Grand Forks or Mankato or Fargo make a small footprint by themselves.
Secondly, we must train our vice providers appropriately so as to be able to compete for the discriminating consumer. For example, if we adopt prostitution as our 'sin,' we need to hire the best tarts from Minneapolis or even Des Moines! Likewise for gluttony. Lutefisk and hot dish sounds like a nonstarter. We need to ramp up our cuisine! Anger is hard, given that we live in a land of Cockaigne.
Vanity is a possibility. We can be vain about our cold weather. We can envy Chicago or Boston, with its culture, New Orleans or San Francisco with its fine food, or Loa Angeles, with its preternaturally thin people and endless sun.
Sloth seems to be the best bet. We don't have to do anything. Who knows, some moneybags will come along and prepare us the run for Congress!
First of all, this calls for an occasion for the various cities to pool their resources and develop the infrastructure for whatever vices we choose to adopt as our specialty. Grand Forks or Mankato or Fargo make a small footprint by themselves.
Secondly, we must train our vice providers appropriately so as to be able to compete for the discriminating consumer. For example, if we adopt prostitution as our 'sin,' we need to hire the best tarts from Minneapolis or even Des Moines! Likewise for gluttony. Lutefisk and hot dish sounds like a nonstarter. We need to ramp up our cuisine! Anger is hard, given that we live in a land of Cockaigne.
Vanity is a possibility. We can be vain about our cold weather. We can envy Chicago or Boston, with its culture, New Orleans or San Francisco with its fine food, or Loa Angeles, with its preternaturally thin people and endless sun.
Sloth seems to be the best bet. We don't have to do anything. Who knows, some moneybags will come along and prepare us the run for Congress!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
No Longer Fighting Sioux
Yesterday, the citizens of North Dakota voted to remove the Fighting Sious nickname and logo from the University of North Dakota.
This was strictly cowing to outside pressure.
Damn the NCAA! May they fall in an open septic tank!
I'm going out to buy some Fighting Sioux sportswear, and wear it irregardless. I'd even visit the NC-f**king Ay Ay wearing it!
Sometimes we have to accomodate the other 49 states. t's not easy to swallow that, though. This should not be construed as a political statement.
This was strictly cowing to outside pressure.
Damn the NCAA! May they fall in an open septic tank!
I'm going out to buy some Fighting Sioux sportswear, and wear it irregardless. I'd even visit the NC-f**king Ay Ay wearing it!
Sometimes we have to accomodate the other 49 states. t's not easy to swallow that, though. This should not be construed as a political statement.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Sin City, Part One
Since I'm thinking about moving to Minneapolis, known here as 'Sin City,' I absent-mindedly looked up Sin City in Wikipedia. The following entries were there:
Atlantic City, New Jersey is a city in Atlantic County, New Jersey and a nationally renowned resort city for (gambling, bookmaking, drinking, prostitution, strip clubs, clubbing). The old days, it was also known for organized crime, bookmaking, bootlegging, brothels, illegal gambling, speakeasies, police corruption, political corruption, prostitution.
Baltimore, Maryland, United States, The Block (prostitution, drugs, strip clubs, organized crime)
Lynn, Massachusetts, United States (gambling, prostitution, drinking, drugs, gangs, violence, corruption, brothels, organized crime)
Las Vegas, Nevada, United States (gambling, bookmaking, easy marriage, easy divorce, sex shows, strip clubs, cabarets, prostitution, (However, prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas and Clark County), clubbing, 24-hour liquor sales (as in all of Nevada); quote: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."). In former days it was known also for organized crime and corruption.
Los Angeles and neighboring Hollywood (film, television, modeling, music, (i.e. glam metal, gangsta rap), paparazzi, plastic surgery, porn industry, publishing industries, sports, tabloids, air pollution, bank robberies, car chases, clubs, drugs, homeless people, gangs, notorious slums in the poorer areas of L.A., (major glamorous destination for many teen runaways).
New York City (films, music, modeling, tabloids, television, paparazzi, formerly porn industry (Times Square), many teenage runaways, organized crime, BDSM clubs, street performers, gangsta rap.
Reno, Nevada (gambling, drinking, strip clubs, clubbing, easy marriage, easy divorce, prostitution, (However, prostitution is illegal in Reno and Washoe County), 24-hour liquor sales, as in all of Nevada.
Tijuana, Mexico (Organized crime, gangs, drug trafficking, clubbing, drinking, police corruption, political corruption, prostitution)
Former Sin Cities:
New York City in the mid to late 19th Century (prostitution, brothels, illegal gambling, notorious slums, pickpocketing, police corruption, political corruption, drugs, gangs, organized crime), Times Square from the mid-1960s until circa 1990 (prostitution, pornography, go-go bars, sex shops, sex shows, squeegee men, strip clubs, clubbing, drugs, organized crime)
New Orleans from 1897 through 1917, Storyville district (prostitution, brothels, gambling, and speakeasies)
Chicago in the 1920s to 1930s (prostitution, bootlegging, cabarets, speakeasies, illegal gambling, bank robberies, police corruption, organized crime, and gang activity)
Galveston, Texas in the 1920s to 1957 (prostitution, organized crime, gambling, speakeasies, drinking, political corruption)
Montreal, which earned a reputation for vice through American tourists fleeing the prohibition laws.
In 1955, Terre Haute, IN was labeled Sin City by the monthly magazine Stag. (reputation for being "wide open", with gambling and a well-developed "red light district").
In the 1980-1990s Michigan City, IN was considered Sin City, with the proliferation of massage parlors
As you can see, a number of places have claimed that title, whether deservedly or not.
Atlantic City, New Jersey is a city in Atlantic County, New Jersey and a nationally renowned resort city for (gambling, bookmaking, drinking, prostitution, strip clubs, clubbing). The old days, it was also known for organized crime, bookmaking, bootlegging, brothels, illegal gambling, speakeasies, police corruption, political corruption, prostitution.
Baltimore, Maryland, United States, The Block (prostitution, drugs, strip clubs, organized crime)
Lynn, Massachusetts, United States (gambling, prostitution, drinking, drugs, gangs, violence, corruption, brothels, organized crime)
Las Vegas, Nevada, United States (gambling, bookmaking, easy marriage, easy divorce, sex shows, strip clubs, cabarets, prostitution, (However, prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas and Clark County), clubbing, 24-hour liquor sales (as in all of Nevada); quote: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."). In former days it was known also for organized crime and corruption.
Los Angeles and neighboring Hollywood (film, television, modeling, music, (i.e. glam metal, gangsta rap), paparazzi, plastic surgery, porn industry, publishing industries, sports, tabloids, air pollution, bank robberies, car chases, clubs, drugs, homeless people, gangs, notorious slums in the poorer areas of L.A., (major glamorous destination for many teen runaways).
New York City (films, music, modeling, tabloids, television, paparazzi, formerly porn industry (Times Square), many teenage runaways, organized crime, BDSM clubs, street performers, gangsta rap.
Reno, Nevada (gambling, drinking, strip clubs, clubbing, easy marriage, easy divorce, prostitution, (However, prostitution is illegal in Reno and Washoe County), 24-hour liquor sales, as in all of Nevada.
Tijuana, Mexico (Organized crime, gangs, drug trafficking, clubbing, drinking, police corruption, political corruption, prostitution)
Former Sin Cities:
New York City in the mid to late 19th Century (prostitution, brothels, illegal gambling, notorious slums, pickpocketing, police corruption, political corruption, drugs, gangs, organized crime), Times Square from the mid-1960s until circa 1990 (prostitution, pornography, go-go bars, sex shops, sex shows, squeegee men, strip clubs, clubbing, drugs, organized crime)
New Orleans from 1897 through 1917, Storyville district (prostitution, brothels, gambling, and speakeasies)
Chicago in the 1920s to 1930s (prostitution, bootlegging, cabarets, speakeasies, illegal gambling, bank robberies, police corruption, organized crime, and gang activity)
Galveston, Texas in the 1920s to 1957 (prostitution, organized crime, gambling, speakeasies, drinking, political corruption)
Montreal, which earned a reputation for vice through American tourists fleeing the prohibition laws.
In 1955, Terre Haute, IN was labeled Sin City by the monthly magazine Stag. (reputation for being "wide open", with gambling and a well-developed "red light district").
In the 1980-1990s Michigan City, IN was considered Sin City, with the proliferation of massage parlors
As you can see, a number of places have claimed that title, whether deservedly or not.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
A Movie That Portrays Women in a Positive Way?
Contestants in the Miss USA Pageant appearing on Sunday night were asked what movie comes to mind when thinking of films that portray women in a positive way?
Miss Ohio Audrey Bolte answered "Pretty Woman," in which Julia Roberts played a prostitute in a remake of the Cinderella story.
The character "came out on top and she didn’t let anybody stay in her path."
Miss Ohio Audrey Bolte answered "Pretty Woman," in which Julia Roberts played a prostitute in a remake of the Cinderella story.
The character "came out on top and she didn’t let anybody stay in her path."
Friday, June 1, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Themes for Legislative Sessions
As I mentioned earlier, the spectacularly inert North Dakota legislature's recent session was nicknamed "The Bikini Wax Session" after one curious bit of action that they managed to pass. But that gave me an idea: proms have themes; why can't sessions have them also. Accordingly, I have helpfully thought out some for the next several years. Now they can go to Bismarck, quickly pass on these, and spend the rest of the time pursuing happiness, North Dakota-style.
Consider these ideas as my having done my civic duty.
The Make-the-Moose-Wear-Ties Session
The Paint-the-Capital-in-Polka-Dots Session
The Make-Another-Stupid-State-Song Session
The Christmas-in-Hawaii Session
The Governor-in-a-Box Session
The We-Are-Better-Than-Montana-and-Far-Less-Crazy Session
The Invite-the-Backstreet-Boys Session
The Exile-in-Florida-and-Hangout-at-Hooters Session
The Dance-All-Night Session
The Legalize-Marijuana Session
The What-Do-We-Do-Next Session
The It's-a-Cold-Day-in-March-so-What-Else-Is-New Session
The Ugly-as-Homemade-Sin Session
The Lutherans-Who-Have-Discovered-Sin-and-Like-It-Session
The Carrion-Crow-Is-the-Official-State-Bird Session
The Thank-God-We're-Not-French Session
The We're-Honorary-Canadians Session
Was my use of the hyphens appropriate? I'm not really that interested in politics.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Congress Is Getting Dumber
You may have wondered from time to time at the antics of Congress. Surely they cannot be as stupid as you think they are?
Well, there's some objective evidence that Congress has dropped a full grade in its language usage. Currently, their speeches as taken from the Congressional Record and analyzed using the Fleisch-Kinmcaid method indicate that they sound like someone with a tenth grade achievement level -- a decline of a full year since the 1990's. It is not known if this change is due to newer members being less verbasl, or Congress simply getting stupider or more lazy with time.
And you wonder why the galleries in the Capitol are not SRO? Apparently, this decline is bipartisan -- the slightly higher language use levels by Democrats over Republicans are not statistically significant. Someone got the best Congress money could buy. But not me.
Well, there's some objective evidence that Congress has dropped a full grade in its language usage. Currently, their speeches as taken from the Congressional Record and analyzed using the Fleisch-Kinmcaid method indicate that they sound like someone with a tenth grade achievement level -- a decline of a full year since the 1990's. It is not known if this change is due to newer members being less verbasl, or Congress simply getting stupider or more lazy with time.
And you wonder why the galleries in the Capitol are not SRO? Apparently, this decline is bipartisan -- the slightly higher language use levels by Democrats over Republicans are not statistically significant. Someone got the best Congress money could buy. But not me.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Some Horrendous Puns
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington is obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Never fall in love with a tennis player because, to a tennis player, love means nothing.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington is obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Never fall in love with a tennis player because, to a tennis player, love means nothing.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Naturalized Citizen
She was really thinking.
What's more....She probably voted
The following is believed to be a funny and true story shared by K.C. Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.
In one of K.C.'s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple: the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating . .
''What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
What's more....She probably voted
The following is believed to be a funny and true story shared by K.C. Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.
In one of K.C.'s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple: the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating . .
''What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Saturday, May 12, 2012
At the Pussycat Dolls
The manager of Pussycat Dolls had to do a painful duty: he has to let one of his performers go.
"Roxie, you come see me after your set."
Roxie performed, ultimatle removing all except for her g-string, and did intricate maneuvers on the pole.
After the show, she said, "You wanna see me?"
"Yes, Roxie. I'm afraid we'll have to let you go."
"Huh? Wuffo? "Didn't I have those cool dances?"
"Yes, Roxie."
"And didn't I strip as far as allowed?"
"Yes on that too."
"And am I not a star on the pole?"
"You are."
"And my lap dances. Any complaints?"
"None."
"So what's this fired shit."
"Well, Roxie, remember that we have a morals clause."
"Yes, so what? I don't let the customers hump me. I was strictly professional."
"Yes, but it's your moonlighting that caused complaints. It seemed that, in addition to being a stripper, you also moonlighted at a newspaper, working as a columnist. We run a respectable joint, and can't have that."
"Roxie, you come see me after your set."
Roxie performed, ultimatle removing all except for her g-string, and did intricate maneuvers on the pole.
After the show, she said, "You wanna see me?"
"Yes, Roxie. I'm afraid we'll have to let you go."
"Huh? Wuffo? "Didn't I have those cool dances?"
"Yes, Roxie."
"And didn't I strip as far as allowed?"
"Yes on that too."
"And am I not a star on the pole?"
"You are."
"And my lap dances. Any complaints?"
"None."
"So what's this fired shit."
"Well, Roxie, remember that we have a morals clause."
"Yes, so what? I don't let the customers hump me. I was strictly professional."
"Yes, but it's your moonlighting that caused complaints. It seemed that, in addition to being a stripper, you also moonlighted at a newspaper, working as a columnist. We run a respectable joint, and can't have that."
Friday, May 11, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
What to Do With a Dead Horse
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the
next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy
is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
8. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
12. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
13. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
(author unknown)
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
8. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
12. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
13. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
New Drugs on the Market
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
A Kiss on the Train
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the
mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two
seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Vaseline
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
What were you thinking ........
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
What were you thinking ........
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Foreign Languages?
In an age in which global awareness and the international context for commerce, travel, and other things, it is advantageous for all students to learn a foreign language.
But maybe that's a view that contributes to the moronic view expressed in this sign. Maybe we should be disposed to regard the reality that is: we have large numbers of people in the United States that speak a language other than English. Maybe after a while, they will learn some English. But should that be mandatory? In general, people will acquire a second language if it is necessary for them to function.
But our non-English speakers should be regarded as a possible asset that might be drawn on in some situation in the future.
But, maybe we could get out of this thinking by adopting a general rule: Every child, during the course of her or his education, should be able to speak and write in two languages: the original language and a second one among those offered in he schools.
But, this is important: Have qualified teachers of those second languages!
But maybe that's a view that contributes to the moronic view expressed in this sign. Maybe we should be disposed to regard the reality that is: we have large numbers of people in the United States that speak a language other than English. Maybe after a while, they will learn some English. But should that be mandatory? In general, people will acquire a second language if it is necessary for them to function.
But our non-English speakers should be regarded as a possible asset that might be drawn on in some situation in the future.
But, maybe we could get out of this thinking by adopting a general rule: Every child, during the course of her or his education, should be able to speak and write in two languages: the original language and a second one among those offered in he schools.
But, this is important: Have qualified teachers of those second languages!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Cowboy Jokes
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. “Ever have an accident?” “Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.” “Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.”
“Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, “Ah shore do, wardn. Ah d be mighty grateful if n yoo d play Achy Breaky Heart fur me bahfore ah hafta go.”
“Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that,” says the warden.
He turns to the biker, “And you, biker, What’s your last request?”
“That you kill me first.”
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began. “You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said. “Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted. “Yeah,” recalled Joe.
“That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar? Gimme a slug of whiskey.
A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters. “Excuse me, sir,” said the police officer, “who are you?”
“My name’s Tex, officer,” said the cowboy. ”
"Eh?” said the police officer, “Are you from Texas?”
“Nope, Louisiana.”
“Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?”
“Don’t want to be called Louise, do I?"
Visitor: Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them?
Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.” “Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.”
“Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, “Ah shore do, wardn. Ah d be mighty grateful if n yoo d play Achy Breaky Heart fur me bahfore ah hafta go.”
“Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that,” says the warden.
He turns to the biker, “And you, biker, What’s your last request?”
“That you kill me first.”
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began. “You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said. “Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted. “Yeah,” recalled Joe.
“That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar? Gimme a slug of whiskey.
A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters. “Excuse me, sir,” said the police officer, “who are you?”
“My name’s Tex, officer,” said the cowboy. ”
"Eh?” said the police officer, “Are you from Texas?”
“Nope, Louisiana.”
“Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?”
“Don’t want to be called Louise, do I?"
Visitor: Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them?
Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Opportunity
Intelligence is being able to make a lemon out of a lemonade, or is it the other way around?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Part-Time Strippers
A society columnist in Houston was recently identified as a part-time stripper. Apparently, the Houston Chronicle doesn't pay their writers enough, or she does it for the fun.
The latter may be a possibility. After all, the notorious Pink Pussycat in Windswept, ND had a notorious similar case. The proprietor of the Pink Pussycat, one Buford Wilson, had enough of the drug-addled and unreliable strippers he has beforehand hired for his performers, so he fired them all. After all, his club was a prime entertainment venue on the High Plains and he wanted it to keep its sterling reputation.
So he needed temps in a pinch. To do this he had an ad run in the local weekly plus the big city publications, the Herald and the Dakotan. Immediately his phone began to ring, and he asked each candidate to come in for an audition.
One was Brenda, the branch manager of a local bank, 35 and a little on the zaftig side.
Another was a skinny NDSU student named Heather who was working for "weed money."
Still another was Corinne, the girl who got tired working at a convenience store; stripping was more convenient for her lifestyle.
Helga, the organist from the Lutheran Church also signed up. She was 4o+ and hoping to meet a husband this way.
There were several others eager to try their hand, but most avoided using the pole as part of their act. Not
Hiring these as part-time strippers did have the effect of increasing attendance. After all, the locals were particularly desirous of checking out the local talent.
http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2012/03/houston_chronicle_stripper.php
The latter may be a possibility. After all, the notorious Pink Pussycat in Windswept, ND had a notorious similar case. The proprietor of the Pink Pussycat, one Buford Wilson, had enough of the drug-addled and unreliable strippers he has beforehand hired for his performers, so he fired them all. After all, his club was a prime entertainment venue on the High Plains and he wanted it to keep its sterling reputation.
So he needed temps in a pinch. To do this he had an ad run in the local weekly plus the big city publications, the Herald and the Dakotan. Immediately his phone began to ring, and he asked each candidate to come in for an audition.
One was Brenda, the branch manager of a local bank, 35 and a little on the zaftig side.
Another was a skinny NDSU student named Heather who was working for "weed money."
Still another was Corinne, the girl who got tired working at a convenience store; stripping was more convenient for her lifestyle.
Helga, the organist from the Lutheran Church also signed up. She was 4o+ and hoping to meet a husband this way.
There were several others eager to try their hand, but most avoided using the pole as part of their act. Not
Hiring these as part-time strippers did have the effect of increasing attendance. After all, the locals were particularly desirous of checking out the local talent.
http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2012/03/houston_chronicle_stripper.php
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Hairy Armpits
On Thursday some forty Swedish women gathered at a Malmö square in the afternoon to taking a stand against the recent internet controversy over women's hairy armpits. Anni Isis, one of the protesters, declared that “We want to take a stand for all those that are insulted. It is about gender roles and letting everyone be themselves.” The demonstration was organized by the Malmö Feminist Network (Malmös Feministiska Nätverk).
Apparently, Sweden’s online basement-dwellers got worked up about one woman’s hairy armpit being exposed during a live television broadcast of the Melodifestivalen song contest finals on Saturday.
Apparently the person in question, Ehrin, was cheering the Swedish Eurovision candidate Loreen when her clearly visible underarm hair appeared momentarily on live TV and in the living rooms of an estimated 4.1 million Swedish television viewers. The nation was shocked, in a Swedish way. A Facebook user then managed to take a screenshot of Ehrin’s hair, which he posted online – an image which then spread like wildfire across the site.
Within hours, thousands of people had “liked” the image, and hundreds shared the image with their own followers on their own Facebook pages. This, in turn, caused some people to make rude remarks. But remember, thousands of people liked the image. Those would be the pro-hairy armpit faction.
Isis further commented, “It is proof that many live in a narrow-minded and normative world. We have to challenge these structures.” The women gathered in Malmö on Thursday had reacted to the massive online outcry that erupted against the woman with her scandalously unshaven hairy armpit.
Isn't Sweden cold, like North Dakota? Several women here don't shave their legs until late Spring, and sleveless dresses or shells are not taken out for several months.
Apparently, Swedes can behave as nonsensical as Republicans and Democrats.
Apparently, Sweden’s online basement-dwellers got worked up about one woman’s hairy armpit being exposed during a live television broadcast of the Melodifestivalen song contest finals on Saturday.
Apparently the person in question, Ehrin, was cheering the Swedish Eurovision candidate Loreen when her clearly visible underarm hair appeared momentarily on live TV and in the living rooms of an estimated 4.1 million Swedish television viewers. The nation was shocked, in a Swedish way. A Facebook user then managed to take a screenshot of Ehrin’s hair, which he posted online – an image which then spread like wildfire across the site.
Within hours, thousands of people had “liked” the image, and hundreds shared the image with their own followers on their own Facebook pages. This, in turn, caused some people to make rude remarks. But remember, thousands of people liked the image. Those would be the pro-hairy armpit faction.
Isis further commented, “It is proof that many live in a narrow-minded and normative world. We have to challenge these structures.” The women gathered in Malmö on Thursday had reacted to the massive online outcry that erupted against the woman with her scandalously unshaven hairy armpit.
Isn't Sweden cold, like North Dakota? Several women here don't shave their legs until late Spring, and sleveless dresses or shells are not taken out for several months.
Apparently, Swedes can behave as nonsensical as Republicans and Democrats.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
The Best State . . . . . The Worst State
An activity very much like a dog chasing his tail is the forever occurring "Best of ......., Worst of........" when it comes to states, cities, or countries. Compilers of these almost always have an axe to grind, and use it to ridicule some other places that they dislike or feel fortunate that they don't have to live there. The most common recipients of that type of attention are the states of the Deep South and California.
Now what prompts this is hard to say. Perhaps its lingering animosities from the Civil War (strangely more cherished north of the Mason-Dixon line), perhaps it's resentment of those places and the people there by envious souls (We can't all be California girls; my teeny bikini languishes in a closet since my trip to Galveston two years ago and the emergence of something of a muffin top), maybe it's just xenophobia. After all, lutefisk, bean salad, and hot dish do give culture shock, as does our nondescript state capitol.
States can be compared on objective criteria. It's reasonable to talk about the coldest state, or the least populated one, or the one with the most walking trails. And we do have objective data from police reports on murders, rapes, burblaries, muggings, auto theft, and other ills that the underclass lays on us. Oh yes, data like alcohol consumption, percent of obses people in the population, average age, and other countable data.
But when it comes to subjective data, we're pretty much inclined to let the buyer beware. How do they determine that the state is the rudest state, the most interesting state, the state with the cutest guys or gals, or for that matter, the states with the best and worst images?
I recently read that the states that make the best impression are Hawaii, Colorado, and Tennessee। The states that yield the worst impression are Illinois, Utah, Mississippi, and California। But there may be many states that make no impression at all. I'm afraid the Dakotas fall into that category.
Now what prompts this is hard to say. Perhaps its lingering animosities from the Civil War (strangely more cherished north of the Mason-Dixon line), perhaps it's resentment of those places and the people there by envious souls (We can't all be California girls; my teeny bikini languishes in a closet since my trip to Galveston two years ago and the emergence of something of a muffin top), maybe it's just xenophobia. After all, lutefisk, bean salad, and hot dish do give culture shock, as does our nondescript state capitol.
States can be compared on objective criteria. It's reasonable to talk about the coldest state, or the least populated one, or the one with the most walking trails. And we do have objective data from police reports on murders, rapes, burblaries, muggings, auto theft, and other ills that the underclass lays on us. Oh yes, data like alcohol consumption, percent of obses people in the population, average age, and other countable data.
But when it comes to subjective data, we're pretty much inclined to let the buyer beware. How do they determine that the state is the rudest state, the most interesting state, the state with the cutest guys or gals, or for that matter, the states with the best and worst images?
I recently read that the states that make the best impression are Hawaii, Colorado, and Tennessee। The states that yield the worst impression are Illinois, Utah, Mississippi, and California। But there may be many states that make no impression at all. I'm afraid the Dakotas fall into that category.
At least we don't have the image of being filled with dangerous survivalists (bicoastal bogeymen, if you ask me) or being truculently rude, or being dangerous religious fanatics.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?
Are you satisfied with your girls? Maybe knowing that you have something in common with a celebrity would help.
Find out which celebrity has two things in common with you:
http://www.blogthings.com/whosyourcelebrityboobtwinquiz/
Find out which celebrity has two things in common with you:
http://www.blogthings.com/whosyourcelebrityboobtwinquiz/
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Lutefisk and Yams
Lutefisk and Yams
by Ulf Gunnarsson
Hark and ware, oh Warrior!
Weird of Sven now hear you.
How good Lars he harried,
pestered him with questions.
Late at meadhall light burned;
Lars did strive to largenbelly with a bowl of boiled fish his mission.
And some chunks of chicken,cheese and bread and peasoup,
finally pounds of pancakes
paired with lingon berries.
Smallish snack he snuck while
woozy wife lay snoozing.
When inside there wandered
forth a fellow northman.
Lars did greet him greatly
for he knew the gruesome
tales of host who hasten
travellers forth from doorstep.
Lars did ask his name then.
"I am Sven," he mentioned.
"Sven I am," he stated.
"Do you like lutefisk and yams?"
"Nay." said Lars, "though largely
like I food most goodly, but
I do not like lutefisk and yams,
I do not like them Sven I am."
"Ah," said Sven most sagely.
"Would you eat them on a trip?
Would you eat them on your ship?"
"Nay," said Lars, "though largely
like I food most goodly, but I would not eat them on a trip.
I would not eat them on my ship.
I do not like lutefisk and yams,I do not like them, Sven I am."
"Ah," said Sven.
"Then maybemight you eat them on a raid?
Might you eat them with a maid?"
"Nay," said Lars most strongly.
"Like I food most goodly, butI would not eat them on a raid,
I would not eat them with a maid,
I would not eat them on a trip,
I would not eat them on my ship.
I do not like lutefisk and yams.
I do not like them, Sven I am."
"Hmmm," said Sven, "Good fellow,would you eat them on the field?
Would you eat them off your shield?"
"Nay!" cried Lars most wrothly,
"Like I food most goodly, butI would not eat them on the field,
I would not eat them off my shield,
I would not eat them on a raid,
I would not eat them with a maid,
I would not eat them on a trip,
I would not eat them on my ship.
I do not like lutefisk and yams.
I do not like them, Sven I am."
Sven then looked most crafty.
He then slyly stated:
"Would you eat them served up cold?
Would you eat them if I paid you gold?"
"Well," said Lars, "since largely,
Like I food most goodly...
I might like lutefisk and yams.
I might like them, Sven I am."
Sven produced this Swedish
yam and lutefisk sample.
Lars did test this tasty treat then longly pondered.
Stoutly Lars then stated:
"I despise lutefisk and yams.
I despise them, Sven I am.
I will not eat them served up cold,
I will not eat them if you pay me gold.
I will not eat them on the field,
I will not eat them off my shield,
I will not eat them on a raid,
I will not eat them with a maid,
I will not eat them on a trip,
And I will NOT eat them on MY ship!
I do not like lutefisk and yams,
I do not like them, Sven I am."
And he slew Sven.
Ulf Gunnarsson
Friday, March 2, 2012
Big Ten Hypocrisy
Their prissinesses, the University of Iowa, declined to invite the University of North Dakota to a track meet because of UND's team nicknames: The Fighting Sioux. They were being Goody Two-Shoes by excluding any team with a Native American nickname, despite the fact that it was the North Dakota legislature, and not the University, who reinstated the old team nickname.
However, they extended an invitation to the University of Illinois's Fighting Illini, claiming that they were contractually obligated to do so because Illinois and Iowa were both in the Big Ten.
I don't know if any trousers are on fire; but I smell the sweet fragrance of Big Ten hypocrisy!
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However, they extended an invitation to the University of Illinois's Fighting Illini, claiming that they were contractually obligated to do so because Illinois and Iowa were both in the Big Ten.
I don't know if any trousers are on fire; but I smell the sweet fragrance of Big Ten hypocrisy!
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At this time, MSN is conducting a poll asking, "Should UND change its name and logo?" Presently, if UND doesn't do it, the NCAA will forfeit all of the games that they won.
The results, as of 6:30 A.M. on March 2nd are:
73% No, the University should keep them 118,293 votes
6% Yes, the nickname and logo are offensive 9,627 votes
21% I don't care 34,744 votes
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
The Taxidermist
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us."
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Here's a wholesome story of how a daughter encouraged her mother in a career choice. Enjoy!
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/love-sex/6474896/Mum-joins-daughter-in-sex-trade
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us."
__________________________________________________
Here's a wholesome story of how a daughter encouraged her mother in a career choice. Enjoy!
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/love-sex/6474896/Mum-joins-daughter-in-sex-trade
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Building an Ad Campaign Around Kitty Litter
West Hurley, North Dakota was a rather dull place, a fact that annoyed Clotilde Bradley, the high-powered PR expert from Minneapolis very very much.
It seemed that Ms. Bradley was tasked with developing an advertisement campaign for West Hurley and the only possible claims to fame it could have was being on U.S. 2 and being the largest single manufacturer of kitty litter in the U.S.
U.S. 2 was of no great importance; but local industry seemed to be a good hook. Unfortunately, she had to base it on kitty litter, not very promising. So she looked for possible euphemisms for the offending words:
Kitty Waste Center of America? No. that wouldn't do.
Feline Sanitization Capital of the United States, Better. But a little bit of imagination is needed.
And she hit upon an imaginative one: West Hurley is where gangster cats did their contracts on Felines Who Offend. This was novel; and it might even be picked up by some extraregional paper like the Los Angeles Times. So she had her art department do a little work: Tom the Cat being given an untimely end by being buried in wet kitty litter.
What horrors are found in the minds of desparate PR experts from Minneapolis?
Monday, February 13, 2012
Bras and Panties Are Historical
The Missouri History Museum would like people to send in panties, bras, corsets, and girdles in for an exhibit of undies. The museum is planning a major exhibit on the evolution of women's underwear and needs the public's help to round out its collection of old-fashioned and more recent unmentionables. The exhibit is provisionally "Underneath It All" exhibit is slated to open July 1.
SEEKING UNDERGARMENTS
If you're thinking of donating or lending items to the exhibit, send a email
with a description to objects@mohistory.org. The museum is
still looking for these undergarments:
• Sleeve pads from the 1830s.
• Corsets from the 1860s and earlier.
• Bras from the 1930s through the early 1980s.
• Girdles from the 1940s through the 1960s.
• "Falsies," inflatable bras or other breast enhancements from the 1950s.
• Matching bra-and-panty sets from the 1960s.
• Training bras and other underwear for teenagers and pre- teens from the
1960s through the 1980s.
• "No-Bra" bras or any other examples of sheer bras from the late 1960s and
early 1970s.
• Jogbra bras from 1970s and other fitness-related underwear from the 1970s
and 1980s.
• Maternity and nursing- relater underwear from all time periods.
• Examples of more recent trends in women's underwear, such as large
shoulder pads from the 1980s, Wonderbra bras from the 1990s and backless bras
from the 1990s to the present.
I read that local hotels are planning packages for undie fetishists.
Read more: http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/metro/history-museum-might-want-your-old-underwear-for-upcoming-exhibit/article_5ce8031e-25f9-5dbf-abf9-31fc146c5b54.html#ixzz1mAYXZHlW
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New Hampshire's legislature is considering a ban on state workers wearing scents from perfume, cologne, or even soap from the state workplaces. If this measure passes, it would take effect in sixty days.
New Hampshire's motto is, "Live Free or Die."
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Dickinson State College recently made the news regarding 400 international students being awarded diplomas despite not meeting all of the graduation requirements. It was described as a "diploma mill." I hope there will not be a stigmatization of all North Dakota institutions by unpleasant out-of-state critics.
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